Did my Feelings Show?

I have been staring at the topic of this blog post nearly all day long. I couldn't put my pen to the paper nor could I put my fingers on the keyboard to start typing. It's because I wanted to avoid the topic of feelings altogether.

I was struggling with becoming anxious and consumed by the feelings of heartbreak, shame, and impatience that I have been experience lately. No they hasn't become the center of my being, but by the grace of God I have not gotten weak enough to give in to Satan's voice and opinions in relation to these feelings.

I feel at times like I am a victim of my feelings both good and bad. I feel like I can control them for so long and when I can't it's like throwing a grenade at the relationship or friendship causing it to blow to pieces.

Recently, it was no different. I allowed myself to feel, get excited, and express it. In result the grenade of hope exploded and separated the other person and myself tremendously (and it was my perception that we were very close) and now it feels like a football field has separated the friendship and now it had started over and yet not left the goal posts!

I tell you, feelings suck!! And I hate expressing them!!

But one thing I have learned is that because I embraced them for my own self both good and bad, the fact I took the risk anyways does in fact show the strength and courage I have inside of me. It also shows the worth I see in others and says hey!!! You are THIS big in someone's world. 

To me this courage is beautiful, one i would never imagine I would discover or acquire over my life. I used to be so quiet and subdued. If I felt something I would hold it inside until it ate me from the inside out but now that I embrace them head on, the growth I witness in myself becomes the star of the show and I thank God everyday that I've gotten to this point!

It was silly for me to feel embarrassed and scared to write these posts, there's no beauty in embarrassment because you aren't showcasing what you're trying to hide which most likely is stunning.

Embracing Your Feelings is Beauiful

Think back to the last time you allowed yourself to let your walls come tumbling down, your guards become unlocked, and you allowed your feelings actually feel. 

What was it, experiencing a love? A heartbreak? A new job? New friendship? First time motherhood? A church? A new you? 

Trust me- I know how exciting and dangerous this entire experience can be. I like anyone else has gone through the motions of allowing myself to feel towards certain situations. More than anything I have experienced pain in return but others not so much.

The first time I let myself feel "love" for a man, I learned rather quickly that it wasn't love because it got abusive rather fast. The first time I let myself enjoy a new job I got fired within the next two weeks of getting comfortable. 

New friendships, its terrifying to me- most move away, can't forgive me when I make mistakes, or get tired of me needing advice. New baby- they cry all the time, won't let me sleep, won't attach to me! New church- they judge me, see right through me, there's cliques, I could never be anything more than a failure.

New self, that is where you letting your guard down and feelings show is when the risk becomes beautiful!!

You walk into a church and experience genuine love and acceptance. The people give you a sense of purpose help you find your own self worth and you fun yourself there for the next three years hoping you will be there for the rest of your life.

That new life in Christ and the support around you gives you confidence to move forward and have a fresh start with each new child that you bring into the world. You allow yourself to feel patient, compassionate, and more honor for being a mother.

Friendships become more of a desire and come naturally in your life. They allow you to feel less alone, well liked, and allow you to feel the best parts of life that it has to offer.

You start a new job, it tries to tear you down. You can feel the negative but you choose to feel the positive. The job may not work out but you know it's okay because it didn't make you it's victim.

and heartbreak? Well that too becomes different. When you let yourself feel and truly feel yes the pain of losing someone you liked or loved will sting, but the feelings for that person outweigh that heartbreak giving a person hope for the future making it less than an end of the world situation.

And allowing yourself to feel attraction, emotions, and perhaps love towards another person is amazingly different. It's patient, kind, has speed bumps, is forgiven, grace and merciful, and is worth the wait......

Embracing feelings is absolutely beautiful but can turn a world into an ugly one. Feelings manifest into attitude which is expressed through the world and people around you. In order to have the courage to embrace ones feelings one must acknowledge and accept all outcomes involved possibly. 

To know what could happen and do it anyways... Well there is nothing more beautiful then that.

Nobody wants to feel something bad which leads to many dangerous roads. But when we as people do feel, we have the hope in the vision that we see to be possibly magnificent and wonderful. We see the potential in whatever it is to shape our lives for the better and allow us to become the impacting individuals we dream to become.

Feelings are risky business and they could lead to heartache but you never know if you don't try!

Flaws, Fakes, Failures (me in a nutshell)

I hate my hair- I hate how thick and curly it is and I am admittedly jealous that kids have blonde hair, something I spent years and moms money to have all throughout my teenage years. My hair doesn't grow past my shoulders, instead it becomes an Afro, and I always want extensions!!!

My eyebrows suck because they are too thick and too dark to be anything but a brunette.

My face is dry but doesn't respond to moisturizers, so I can only use facial scrubs to make my skin "soft".

My nails are too short, I'm not tattooed enough to my liking, and my feet are retched in the winter time!

My stomach is a complete blob since having my kids and doesn't seem to want to shrink, I hate it and want it gone!!!!

These are all a list of everything that I am never happy with and always want to change in myself. I look in the mirror and I feel ugly, ashamed, and less than because of it. I only own mirrors that show my face because I'm too embarrassed to own a full length.

I go to church and I resent myself because I'm too busy being jealous of Michelle's flawless glamourhood each week, Randi's stunning beauty as I drop my kids off wishing I could have that hair, those eyes, and that perfect beauty. I'm too busy looking at Erin wishing I had her hair and that perfect style she has, Becky's sleek hair, awesome fashion sense, and her ability to light the room when she walks in. I get jealous of Christa's county girl of perfection and Cassie's beaming beauty. I'm jealous of Heather's simplicity and no need totey because she's simply just gorgeous. I'm jealous of Holly's fierceness and edgy looks!

On Sundays I dress myself up to cover up my flaws just to enter the doors just to sink within my low self esteem because I've just seen Cindy Jayne or Lena looking flawless, fashionable, or close to a princess.

My life is filled with beautiful women whom I admire, respect, and envy. I like anyone else get caught up in the satanic myths that I'm not good enough, too fat, not worthy, and undeserving of higher self confidence.

This slippery slope has held me prisoner since age six when I started getting teased at school. I got teased for having thick hair, wearing glasses, being curvy, and not being anything close to pretty. These thoughts imbedded into my mind and eventually i considered them to be true and obviously i still do!!!

Starting this blog I had a checklist of everything I wanted to change about myself in order for OTHERS to like me because that's what I believed to be the reason as well as solution.

It's funny because there's a lot of factors I can see and take accountability in this post 1.) I am too critical of myself 2.) I believed others 3.) in a sea full of love in my life I still fail to see myself accepted 4.) the way I view myself is still dependent on other people.

I know this attitude is wrong and I wish I didn't think this way but this particular low self esteem and poor attitude towards myself has been a part of my identity and nature for nearly all of my life and it's a pretty hard habit to break let me tell you!!!

What I realize now is this- my looks do not define my worth or how beautiful I am. I HAVE PHYSICAL FLAWS, that is normal and is what is expected!!! I will always be embarrassed of something because I am a woman and that's what we do.

I would give Anything to consider myself pretty!!! But unfortunately I'm not there YET. Instead I have been noticing what does make me beautiful!! I have a great heart, I have a lot to give, I sacrifice for those I love, I stay strong through the grace of God, I never give in to failures, and I always find a way to keep going. I choose to be realistic yet not negative, I'm educated, a philosopher, but also like to live life systematically. I'm a mother, a daughter, a niece, a friend, and a Christian. I trust in God with all of my heart and I live my life imperfectly but yet have defeated sin time and time again.

Before recently I couldn't see this in myself and now I'm finally at a point in my life where I can. It's a prayer I pray for each person in my life because I know how horrible low self esteem can be! Find the beauty WITHIN YOURSELF and I promise you that you will find peace.

What is Beauty (Renewed)

After working on this blog series for months, I have come to realize that beauty and what it means to be beautiful is the most diverse thing in the world. 

I consider beauty and philosophy to be in relation to one another; there is no definite, a lot of theory / speculation, and cannot be viewed from one single point of understanding.

When I think what is beautiful, I like most people think about who I believe to be beautiful. Although I know some very beautiful women, my perception has widened since starting his blog series because I have grown to acknowledge that looks does not make a person beautiful, rather it's the acts of courage, strength in themselves, and the impact a person has on others lives.

Beauty is not something that pertains to just women. Over the course of my life, More specifically over the course of the last few years- I have been blessed to know and come across some very beautiful men.

Where beauty can be found is within the X-ray visions of a person's heart, mind, and journey through the world. Beauty is rare because it takes someone special to discover it in others. Society has became so quick to label people as beautiful without even looking at what made that person beautiful on the inside.

I have grown to learn that beauty is beautiful in itself. The question is how do you perceive beautiful and how can you swim deeper and come away from the shallow ideas of what it means to be beautiful.

I only have eyes for you....

Eyes are probably the first physical feature that I myself notice in others. Needless to say, eyes are in fact quite beautiful. As simple as an eye may seem, I put forward the idea that there is in fact so much more I what an eye is and what exactly makes them exquisite.

Eyes are helpful to live life. However Rey aren't a necessity.

I am a person who had needed to wear glasses since age six and they have been both a blessing and a curse. I have been teased and felt ugly. On the other side of my attitude I feel blessed by having glasses- they allow me to see and they have become a part of my identity.

Age 17 and 22 I was faced with two separate retinal detachments- both eyes. Both detachments called for major surgery which consisted of having a rubber band placed around each eye and also filled with a gas bubble that acted as a cast repairing the retina so I could see life.

After both surgeries I would have no choice but to rely on one eye to work for both while the other healed behind a patch. It was amazing to see life's brutal honesty during those months.

A person could see the hearts and genuine care people had for others and the compassion vision was extreme, all trough one eye.

It was during those times in my life that I realized that eyes are a gift and not a necessity.

Beyond eyes being a gift providing sight, the beauty of what eyes are runs much deeper. I firmly believe that eyes are not the windows of the soul. Rather they are the most honest voices we have within each of our bodies. A persons eyes tell a story, exposes feelings, seeks help, and illuminates pains and pleasures a person experiences.

Eyes reveal the pains of the past and the hopes of a persons future. They communicate when they are in love and they showcase when they feel hate. They signal to others if someone is trustworthy or shall be avoided. Eyes are a compass, a comfort, and a courage beyond what the cowardly lion could ever seek for.

Make up enhances eyes to be more 3D and appealing to the attraction of others. However, the inner softness of eyes is what's splendid. Eyes are beautiful because they have a lot to say and a eye for an eye is what it takes to stop look and listen in order to discover the beauty that lies within others.

Shaylyn Says: it's time for Erin to be put in the spotlight

With this beauty blog series I naturally can't help but think about people in my life who I believe fits the bills perfectly of what it means to be beautiful. These are people who I believe don't need an article to tell them, they just ought to know. But for the slight chance they don't, this gives me an opportunity to remind them.

About 3 years ago I had taken part of a local young adult bible study through one of the community churches apart from my own church family. I enjoyed that extra fulfillment of The Lord and I enjoyed meeting new people.

What terrified me each week was to walk in every Monday with a bigger tummy due to being pregnant with my son. Most were friendly and welcomed with a hello but there were a certain few who I developed a connection with or at the very least I really wanted to.

I remember always being impressed by this young lady who had a beautiful head of hair. She was laid back, always friendly, and i always appreciated her sense of style and the ability to recognize it in others.

when I had my son I stopped going for the most part because of lack of child care and eventually I felt less welcome there to be honest because I knew we all were aware that I wasn't a part of their church family, I was simply just a visitor each week.

Then one day out of the blue I get an invitation to a wedding for this lovely young lady and her fiancé.. And I was thrilled, because this was a young lady whom I saw promise, grace, and strength in. I was absolutely honored to be present as she married her best friend.

Erin Kelley is by far one of the most beautiful human beings that I have ever met. The way she carries herself is one that I envy and wish I could have. She is trustworthy, brings out the best in people, and is a great encouragement for all.

Everything that this article speaks of that I have blogged about at this point has seemed to speak of Erin whole heartedly and here is why....

 

Erin was afraid of joining a church but she did it anyway. This choice was for various reasons but overall, her courage was such a beautiful sight to see. To witness anyone face a fear and run to the very thing that scares you, indeed is a very beautiful thing about a person.

Erin was also afraid of saying what she feels in a blog but yet she did it anyways. She had the courage to fret about what others think but choose to ignore it and follow it as one of the callings that God has called her to. She believed in herself as continues to publish brilliant blogs that feature infinite wisdom and excellent reminders of how we should live our lives not only as Christians, but what she wires applies to all of humanity as well.

Erin has been to hell and back, her testimony is hers to share but let me assure you that it is one you couldn't imagine. Her journey was filled with a measure of pain and darkness that seemed impossible to let light into and eventually the light pierced it's way into her heart at a time where she felt open to trusting it and the journey she has had since is way bright as can be, except the fades of dark clouds that pass through her confidence each day.

Because she has been to hell and back, Erin is a beautiful warrior who had earned  her place in this world. Her strength is an amazing testimony all on its own and it grows within each day. The strength of her heart is the center of her inner beauty! It's truly one of the many features that makes her beautiful.

Erin although May question herself a lot, one thing that someone could say about her is that her intentions are always of good nature. One thing I have noticed is that she never really dwells on what could be, for the most part I have witness ed her focusing on what is and making lemonade out if the lemons she had at the very moment of  brew. To me that is very impressive and a quality of life I wish I had. (My anxiety and depression would never allow it!)

Going back to her blog, Erin strings words together intelligently, courageously, and bluntly. She tells it like it is and she means what she says. Erin is honest and to the point but she also has a way of making the truth sound sweet and inviting. The wisdom she provides is great advice and is just one beautiful way that she unleashes her creativity.

Although Pinterest and creating is a hobby of hers that she has recently blogged about feeling guilty over, it is merely an expression of who she is. Erin is talented, has vision, and is incredibly patient. She understands that all thing have a process but the details of our own individual steps is completely into us and that is beautiful!

I will never forget the two greatest bits of advice she has ever given me. The first was a long while ago, she told me that serving God's kingdom is not about doing what He sees fit for my life and Him telling me what to do with it. She said it's up to me to choose what I want to do but for it to honor God I need to do it with honor and in service to Him. 

That advice released a world of turmoil I had going on internally and it was much of an answered prayer.

The second bit of advice she gave she said "don't say you understand this (details private) because it will seem genuine. This spun my world around and has really shaped my attitude and has taugt me to choose my words more carefully because that bit of advice is absolutely right, there are things we for understand and we shouldn't use the figure of speech loosely especially when it comes to very heavy experiences.

Erin is a great friend, has a great husband, and her heart is amazingly beautiful! She's the picture perfect example of what beautiful is and getting to know her you will understand why!

Thank you Erin for always being you!

Creativity is beautiful

If there is one thing that allows people to express their unique God given talents it is creativity, and indeed creativity is beautiful!

There is something about the way that creativity makes a person as well as the fascinating ways it shapes their lives. Creativity allows people to see their own worth, feel significant, as well as embrace the independent person it makes them- creativity is what separates us as persons.

Creativity is beautiful because it's the inner strength and courage we have in ourselves. To put our creativity into motion is where the beauty oozes out of. It takes some pretty strong courage to share our creativity with others and confidence in anyone is the sexiest desire they will ever have.

Creativity doesn't rely on materialism or society to set boundaries and restrictions. Creativity is it's own director and it's a force that for the most part always leads us to good things and sometimes better futures.

Creativity calms circumstances and it allows circumstances to come alive as well.

Creativity is way more than painting a picture, strumming a guitar, or knitting a blanket. Creativity is found within each of us whether we are creative with our fashion, our families, crafts, homes, work, imagination, leadership, or relationships with others. Creativity is the main link between us and genuine self fulfillment.

Creativity should be embraced as beauty, wouldn't this society be different if we looked to each other's creativity as the more attractive features in others rather than their physical features? It's an interesting thought isn't it?

As a Christian, I stand firm in the belief that God created each of us in His image. This would naturally mean that we would all have a creative gene due to the fact that God is the ULTIMATE creator!!! Absolutely would He design us to be as creative as Him.

Most people respond with "I'm not creative, I argue that isn't true. The truth is that we are all creative and know it. What prevents people from believing in their own abilities is the fear and lack of courage one has to share their gifts with others.

This is why society has become such a horrible thing- it tells us to fear, be ashamed, and feel unworthy and inconfident in ourselves. Society is just one of many snake heads that Satan uses to destroy humanity, Gods favorite creation. It's not of our own fault to feel incapable, as a matter of fact it's our nature.

From the beginning of time when Eve took bite of the forbidden fruit and disobeyed Gods commands, He punished her and Adam, one way He did it was expose them of their nudity.

Their nudity wasn't just their private body parts, the term nudity in this case meant it showcased their guilts, flaws, and their internal reflections of themselves were exposed for all the world to see who crossed their paths.

A great lesson for the rest of ours but still it reminds us of our nature as people to be talked into or steered to do the wrong things in life or at the very least hide ourselves from the world and clothe our talents and creative side for the sake of who knows.

Creativity is beautiful and I applaud anyone who is brave enough to express it! 

Language is Beautiful

The topic for the day revolves around the beauty of speaking another language or at the very least, having the will to try.

Language is a universal topic and world of wonder. The only thing that is absolute about language is that it is complex. I think that everyone is impressed with people who can speak another language. Also, it is common for people to be attracted to others because they can speak a language different from their own. 

Language connects people as well as creates a division as well.

A person who knows another language is usually of different culture and that indeed is a very beautiful thing. Cultures are meant to be admired, accepted, and thrived upon in this world. Culture shapes how we experience the world and it teaches the outsiders looking in how dynamic this world is.

Culture teaches people to be comfortable with other ways of life living as our neighbor and when looked at more deeply, other languages can teach us things about humanity that we never considered before.

People who desire to learn other languages have a very good heart.

Certainly there are people who learn other languages for career related reasons; but there are also special persons who learn a language so that they can learn and experience other cultures in this world. 

The ambition to experience other cultures by way of learning their language is not beautiful - instead it is rather sexy!

We as people can become so negative and judging of others who are not like us. People get angry because visiting guests of other countries don't learn how to speak English and in result costs us time and energy to understand them.

When we connect a language with an Arabic country, we become anti-middle eastern counties and get overly patriotically defensive and insist they are all terrorists.

There are so many flaws in our society when it comes to the tolerance of being different.

There is an extravagant experience that awaits anyone eager to learn another language. There is no reward in mastering a language; the true reward comes from the new and deeper understanding as well as the full acceptance of the reality that there are different cultures in this world apart from our own.

Discovering the beauty within a specific culture is only the beginning of the impact one has on the world.

Culture and language is beautiful but the will to try to understand and experience others is simply sexy.

As a Christian I believe that the attitudes toward others should not be altered and restricted out of Christian duty but more of a goal that humanity as a whole works towards.

If humanity could grow and mature in this light, the world would be simply beautiful.

Confessions of a Christian Woman

Diary post #1.

To every side of every spectrum there is always an opposite, my blog rants will start with me taking accountability for something in my life that is far from beautiful.

From a young girl I have learned to let stress keep me a physical prisoner of my own body. 

In my short 24 years of life I have been bullied, exposed and experienced to sexual abuse as a teenager, lived a life if darkness and alone, grow up into adulthood not knowing a thing about life and being naieve and vulnerable enough to allow a man into my life who destroyed every light in myself that I saw. He destroyed my confidence in myself, made me codependent, and I believed that I was less than nothing and that's all I would ever be. I was convinced that all I needed was him around- he could abuse me in anyway he liked but as long as he was there I thought that was my purpose.

The abuse lasted a couple of years and it tore me inside and out because it took away the youthful kindred spirit that was always inside of me. During the relationship I lost my best friend, my grandmother, and the night of her passing is when my daughter was conceived by not my own choice.

After finding out that I had a child in my body, that alone gave me the strength and courage to get out, not that I felt worth more but because the child would be able to make more of herself. I got out of that relationship and the first few weeks felt more like a detox, I simply just soaked up the stress and tension of it all and simply moved on and went about life as if it happened in the past and there was nothing I could do about it except live.

It is that attitude that has stuck with me and I have acquired and I have adapted to in life ever since. Me coping with stress is non existent, I simply move on with the attitude that there is nothing more that I can do.

This is the behavior that has become my own poison. 

My body has shut down twice now in the last few months because it is physically overwhelmed with the stress that has built upon it over the years. I have chose to ignore my problems and not consider them anything but life's twists and turns. 

What I have learned is that my mind may be clear of the memories and thoughts but the tension and physical responses never do. Why? Because there is no outlet that I use to release them.

Never do I take part in an activity such as exercise to release my stress, I exercise because I hate my weight and want it gone so that I can accept myself and have others accept me because I have been convinced all my life that I am fat and that is why I attracted abusers and haven't been fully accepted by female peers. This attitude was provoked through family and school members from a young girl.

I don't sing, play an instrument, capture photography, or paint a picture to relieve my stress. 

Instead I sing to forget things or I don't sing at all knowing the talent I have within me, again afraid of not being accepted. I don't play an instrument cause I don't feel smart enough to. Photography I love because it focuses on everyone else's beauty but my own. And painting, that was my grandmas talent and I feel like I would be stealing it away from her.

The article says that the people who are talented in these ways are beautiful and I simply agree. I think there is an amazing beauty within individuals who not only have such talents but also have the courage to share their talents with others and not care about what other people think. 

That is a courage I have backwards, I fear too much of the negative because it's what I'm convinced of. This is not to say that I don't consider myself a good person or are ignorant to the fact that I have a good heart.

But when I look at myself in the mirror or lay in anxious thought my mind is going 100 miles per hour over what I would enhance or change about my body (no not plastic surgery) but I am so convinced that I am not accepted by society or my peers based on what I look like.

I never believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful and trust me it hurts to acknowledge that I waste every compliment that comes my way.

As a Christian I know that God created me in His image, but through my reading of captivating, I learn that His image is my heart and the things about who I am that are a reflection of and yes I have a certain amount of confidence and thanks in that but I still feel ashamed to say that Satan still has this hold over me, that I'm far from beautiful in the physical sense.

As I open myself up and allow myself to become vulnerable to feeling for others I find myself becoming more critical of how I dress, what makeup routine I do, and how I want to present myself when they will be around. It's become a torture, satans way of convincing me that I'm not good enough.

This attitude is NOT beautiful and one thing I have learned while being sick this last week is that I need to be still in Gods voice who says I am enough, that I don't need to go and change everything about myself for anyone else- especially a boy.

He's reminded me that other priorities need to come first such as taking on activities that are purposely meant to relieve my stress and also to show myself that I need to be a priority too. 

So many people have counted on me in the past and I have let them down. Some have become angry and I've lost one friendship over it because the individual couldn't see that two people were being hurt in the situation. They only cared about their own discomfort.

I am always the first to put others first because if I focus on myself I feel selfish and ashamed of my journey, mistakes, and I feel like a failure. That's why I do everything in my power to distract myself and it's finally got to the point where it's not God or my peers telling me to get a grip and wake up, it has now become my body saying "SHAYLYN I am hurting, please do something!"

So that's what I've officially set out to do, make myself a priority and discover things that I find pleasure, peace, and joy. Also find things to do that will purposely relieve stress so I can face it head on instead of attacking and dealing with it.

There's a fine line between choosing to not focus on your own problems and ignoring the stresses that are affecting your every day life big or small. I am not just stressed about one thing and most certainly I have had troubles come and go but the thing is that the tension never goes away.

The Christian in me feels guilt for fretting about this but the logical person in me also knows that I am human, I'm going to fret, and giving God my situation will always be key, but there are things that I need to do in my own free will as well in irder to ensure I'm taking care of myself correctly.

It is my hope and prayer that anyone who deals with stress this way would find it in their own hearts and strength to figure out how to release it because I would not wish upon anyone what has happened to me over the last few months.

God Bless You All

You are Beautiful.

Two blues create go

Time moves on

One says no

Dark keeps pushing through

Making something of the self he is

The light sinks into the false life that she makes fit

Always noticeable but wasn't front in center

He is now gone and now she wonders 

It took awhile for the hues to connect

The connection lingers as patience arises

Kindness is a reminder

The pages of the Corinthians instruct all

The words of the messages causes a fall

Where will she land she does not know

He is scared to fall in case she were to go

God knows what's beyond the horizon

Only the future will tell

Somehow someday we will become beyond this hell

The lake of fire is too hot to swim through

Take ahold of my hand because my wings will protect you

If you only knew my feathers were white

That the color of my aura was that color that captured your eyes

An angel by your side

I will protect you through the night

Because of you I'm safe

And your banter won't escape

I'm scared to death because this much is true

The book has been written and in this moment now I hope it's you

The end to my beginning and the end to my search

The race is over for me because you have come first.

.

Beauty isn't Found in Pounds

I was wondering when this blog series would force me to face the issue of weight. 

The article says that flat tummies are beautiful but soft ones are beautiful too.

I love the reminder that this statement gives! It is direct and to the point but unfortunately the message conveyed never gets delivered it seems.

This society has become an ugly one because of how consumed and obsessed humanity has become over weight, I too fall into this category.

In the grand scheme of things I guess it is safe to say that we all struggle with finding that tummy we all consider to be perfect and beautiful. Either we work our butts off to flatten it the best we can or we spend our lives feeling unattractive and depressed over how we look.

Speaking from experience I know how hard it can be to accept yourself, especially after women have babies and their body doesn't go back to the way it was before- weight is a huge barrier that prevents people from living a fulfilled life.

Weight dictates how we feel about ourselves, how we act towards others, what we do with our lives, how we are accepted by others, and it also dictates many choices in our lives such as choosing to be in unhealthy relationships because we can't get any better or it can dictate our future by either encouraging us to commit to a road of fitness or sometimes drugs to rid the weight.

Weight determines the level of sexy a woman or man feels when intimate with others and it also can determine if a marriage lasts or fails.

Weight is the lie that says we aren't good enough, but it is also the truth that says our weight doesn't determine the wealth of our beauty.

Society tells us that a size 4 or 6 is a plus size and flat stomachs are the way to go. Society also is supposed to be a place where all persons experience freedom and liberty to the fullest extent of each word.

A person can be beautiful no matter the size but unfortunately there are many people who judge based off of it. I read an article just yesterday about what guys will never say to their partners and one of the things said was that most men will never be quite satisfied when their ladies gain weight EXCEPT for pregnancy.

This particular statement really has me bothered because although pregnancy is a beautiful thing, it is also a very sizable contribution to why so many women's bodies don't stay in that honeymoon state.

If God had the intention of keeping women skinny or one weight for the rest of their lives, I have a Strong feeling that He would have left the child bearing to the men.

God created women in His image and He made our hearts like His, for some odd reason a woman's heart is not the first thing noticed or seen and it's an unfortunate part of humanity.

Big or small, weight is beautiful because a lot of times weight in people is nothing more than a trunk filled with a persons biggest hurts, fears, and innocence.

My weight reflection

I have struggled with weight ever since I was a little girl. I was never the skinny girl and let me tell you that my family and peers made sure that I knew it. 

There would be family members who would ask my grandma over the holiday phone calls if I was still fat or if I have lost weight. Peers would taunt me for not being tiny and eventually I believed the words.

During my sophomore year in high school I lost about 20lbs before going to Costa Rica for a school trip spring break, I felt incredible! I was always about 130-140 in high school and I was comfortable with myself. I always understood id never be a sick because my bone structure is too large and thick to be and I was okay with that.

Having a more sizable weight blessed me with curves and I have always embraced them because I am a woman hear me roar.. Just kidding, I appreciated that I had curves because I always appreciated being a woman and I would be one who never thought about turning to plastic surgery to make me Different.

Age 19 I got pregnant with Faith just after losing 30lbs after a weight gain. I felt on top but quickly gained back my weight through the course of my pregnancy. When Faith was born I didn't even bother with my weight cause I was comfortable.

Few months later I discovered I was pregnant with Michael and since I has Michael I have had the hardest time losing weight since!

I have gotten to the point where I never look down and can't stand looking at myself in a full length mirror because the tummy looking back at me is what I feel to be disgusting! I have the worse self esteem and confidence because of my weight but what I have grown to learn is that my beauty could never be measured by the measurement of a scale.

The beauty I have is unmeasurable as it is because God says so and for once in my life I am in a place where I believe Him. Certainly I see traits about my physicality I would love to change but I'm in no position to attract others to a person who has no relation to the person I was created to be.

Naturally as I allow myself to feel for others during his time of my life moreso a certain other, my anxiety kicks in for the future and how my weight will be perceived and if it will be a turn off but then I think to myself and say that whoever loves me at my worse will deserve to walk alongside me as I take a journey to become my best.

A person shouldn't judge me for not looking the part of their idea of perfection, my stomach has carried three babies at one time or another 1 miscarriage, 1 baby girl and 1 baby boy. My weight is composed of stress that has had no outlet, abuse that has scorned my body and has left scars, failures in my life, good food, and insecurities.

I'm not this weight for no reason and yes some can be taken into accountability for myself but others it's not so much. The weight of my past has been lifted through salvation and conquering the victim within me, the weight of my future is determined by me.

Personal Reflection of the Day 8/14

After having a good discussion with my mentor today I realized that there are some obstacles that I need to overcome in my life when it comes to thinking, speaking, and communicating as a whole. I struggle often with getting to the point as stated before in the blog post earlier, what I didn't realize is how bad of a habit it really is. Rather than getting upset or annoyed at others for getting annoyed with me, I would rather sit down and meditate on this problem. My goal is to figure out what do I most commonly beat around the bush with, why I don't attack something head on, and how can I go about progressing and growing up and away from it. 

I haven't really noticed this problem head on until now but I have always had "feedback" and people who have tried to help me overcome this problem without me even realizing it. The earliest I could remember was honestly in the relationship I had for 2 years starting at age 19. Often times he would get anger some at me because I would never just come out and say what I had to say, I was always being indirect or I would fade in and out of the point I was trying to make. Other times we would have chat sessions when he didn't stay over and I would find myself typing these long paragraphs with no break in between, It would be me explaining the entire picture when all I was trying to get across was one part of it.

What I never told Bryan was that there were sometimes that I didn't feel that his mind would comprehend what I was trying to say and often times I knew he didn't listen to me anyways. Sometimes the bigger picture was the point of what I was trying to make certainly but not always.

Eventually when the spark ignited in me to actively creatively write, I became swept up in metaphors and passionate ways to showcase my feelings, thoughts, and love within each word I wrote. I discovered that sometimes communicating this way was far better and more effective then just saying how I feel. Not long ago I was a severely broken young girl who knew nothing about life other than to live it whichever way it may come. There were often times when I were too scared to be clear or to be to the point because in my mind that showcased vulnerability and that is one thing to this day I struggle with being. In my mind being vulnerable is a sign of weakness, but it is one that I most certainly am eager to try to let go of as time goes on an with the right people. (Call me paranoid but that's a whole other problem)

When I started my journey through Philosophy I never realized that the critique and efforts that came through my mentors both Seth and Gad were never to insult or discourage me. It was all rather to open up a different world to writing so that I can explore and discover even more talents then I never knew I had. My writing to this day in the class has had to be worked on one paper at a time because I still have a tendency to work from the bigger picture on in and never truly make the point of what is being asked of me. Analyzing is a huge part of life, academics, and communication. If I want to pursue anything of that nature then yes I do believe that I need to work at it harder, unfortunately I have always seen the problem on paper but never did I start to realize the problem I have in my verbal communication as well.

Not long ago I had a certain peer say to another that "I talk too much" a few months later I was told that "I need to work on my clarification and getting to the point because the listener stopped listening along time ago" last night a friend from school got annoyed with me because I said something unintelligent and it got on their nerves, and today I was met with the fact that I need to work on this deficiency in my communication skills. Before I would get insulted and actually I do take offense to it and always have, I began to feel ashamed of myself and felt like I had to justify my reasoning to both individuals that scorned my confidence in communicating. I even remember turning around and asking my dear friend at work "do I talk to much because so and so says I do". 

So here's a little history so that perhaps I could be understood a little better. Growing up I never had an active social life, from age 12 on up due to having no social life I would go home and just be alone. I would either entertain myself on the computer, watch TV, or sleep because it would make time go by faster so I wouldn't have to live in those moments anymore. Not only did I have many friends but the main factor was that I was bullied out of my hometown high school, bullied in the high school I graduated from, and never really regained my reputation with either of them throughout my peers. The only people I would talk to were my dogs, myself, or whomever I could chat with long distance over the internet once social media took off. 

The only thing I did to express myself was to sing and then eventually I became obsessed with becoming someone else over social media, no I wouldn't take other people's pictures and use them, but I would spent a lot of days or nights making myself into someone who I wasn't by way of makeup, styling my hair, posing in ways that would invite the opposite sex into my company. It wasn't that I had an alter ego but I understood the reasons why which people have one. People over social media didn't know me nor did they know my real life situation, I could be whomever I desired to be and I guess that's where the fantasy and metaphorical writing came into play for me. 

It wasn't until three years ago that I began to have what I define as normal relationships and interactions with peers around me, it all started within the walls of my church (NewLife), Not only did I fully find myself and Jesus in the church, but I too learned and continue to learn what friendship is, how communication works, and what boundaries are. I've taken each wisdom and have applied it to school where I have learned more about what it takes and means to have healthy interactions with people and I have applied those skills and insights to every possible situation and environment I find myself in.

Most people consider me to be social but I argue that I am more of a relational person because that is the one void in my life that I didn't have for a very long time and the more it gets filled the better I feel about myself. This is not to say that I take advantage of any situation or person, what I mean is that I find more beauty in the connections I have with people more than I do with HOW many connections with people I have. To me the numbers are insignificant, but the quality is where the significance is at. 

So here are the answers to my own questions..

1.) I beat around the bush because sometimes that's all I know how to do and other times I beat around the bush because I am scared to come right out and speak the truth about how I feel towards something

2.) When I beat around the bush it usually consists of topics or situations where my feelings towards a certain situation or person become involved. I am absolutely terrified to share my feelings when I have them for someone else and I am also terrified to admit it to others. In that sense I feel like I am allowing myself the opportunity to get hurt even further and allow myself to rely or at least trust another person, specifically a male person. 

*I love the idea of having a relationship with that special person, having it start as two total strangers who grow into acquaintances, then friends, to dating, then committed relationship, and the list goes on. * Absolutely I love this idea and I am very mindful and prayerful of it each and everyday, especially when God lays on my heart or puts a person in my path who I believe could very much fit that bill, and that idea totally scares me!*

3.) From this point on what I can do to better myself in this habit is to just be out loud and up front with my feelings and emotions about any given situation or person and not care who thinks what about it. How can I sit here and blog about this advice and showcasing how beautiful it is when I am a hypocrite who doesn't execute this course of action herself? 

Well let me tell you something it is most definitely a habit that won't change over night, but I am thankful for those in my life who support me in the growth and have my back to help me successfully get through this life's obstacle. Also thank you to those who have stuck by my side even though I have these issues!! Forever I am truly grateful.

Stringing Words is a Beautiful Thing.

"If you can string words together into a sentence, and you're brave enough to let someone else read it, that is beautiful."

When I think of stringing words together I think of run on sentences, texting or messaging someone without a break but just getting out what's on your mind and hitting the send button even if you have to explain it thoroughly later. In our recent culture that continues to grow, the art of writing correctly has became adrift and almost nonexistent when it comes to how we communicate with our peers over social media. I believe that I am the queen of stringing words together and not always is it over text or a screen. I have the tendency to beat around the bush when I want to get to the point of something and there are some circumstances where I quite frankly don't know how to. For starters sometimes it's scary to simply just attack something and get to the point of it, others there are times when I must find a way to make my point based on the imagery, metaphorical, and circumstance that is occurring with my own mind or the reader of which was the recipient of the statement.

It is okay to have communication flaws just as long as one never ceases to communicate period. In relationships I believe that this form of communication should happen because it helps those closest to you learn to understand you better and it also reveals to them that you have the confidence to say what you mean and mean what you say without necessarily thinking it through all the time. Confidence is the most beautiful trait a person could ever have and confidence in communication is just as intriguing in a person. Whether it be stringing words together for the sake of poetry, literature, or music; stringing words together has a place in this world and yet it can be some of the most private words we keep to ourselves. To have the bravery to share it with others, even just one truly is a beautiful thing.

It is OKAY to be vulnerable with others as long as you stay true to you.

The Beauty of Asking Questions (Christian View)

From a Christian stand point, I firmly believe that God loves when we call upon Him to ask why, how and what questions. He invites us everyday to come to Him with whatever questions we have and certainly there are answers that await the response. The way in which most people communicate to God most is through prayer which most prayers are often questions of sorts.

There are plenty of verses of scripture that emphasize and encourage asking questions and most promise answers. From any standpoint there is no fear or shame in asking questions; questions are our greatest tool in life I firmly believe.

Here are some of my favorite scriptures I turn to when I am struggling with pride and not asking for help

Mark 11:24
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"

Matthew 7:7-11 **All Time Favorite**
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Why Why Why (Beauty of Wonder)

4. Asking questions—especially “why?”—is always 
beautiful. Why? Because curiosity is beautiful.

History-

This is the particular topic I am going to be covering in my blog this post and I am honestly really excited and anxious to get to writing on this subject. I firmly and positively agree that there is nothing mroe beautiful than asking questions and being inquisitive. The reason I believe this particular theory is because my inquisitive mind is one of my personal traits in myself. It would amaze a person to learn how big and grand this world is and what lies within it, most of which are gone unseen due to ignorance, in exposure, or falsified myths. 

As a mom of two young children, I have had the pleasure of introducing these two individuals to the world around them. When I started going through the "Why" phase with my daughter, at first I was understanding, then I grew to becoming annoyed, eventually it trickled out to ashamed, and now there are times I have realized that sometimes the best response is "it's adult business". I understand that I totally contradict my first statement which is that it is beautiful, and in that I hold myself accountable and this is why. Set aside the fact that my daughter is SMART for her age and lets focus on the nitty gritty. Faith is inquisitive because she wants to broaden her knowledge and learn more about the world around her. She hears us speaks, knows what we are saying, but wants to know why something is being said or what is provoking it. She wants to know what is happening in the world around her, it's not that she feels entitled to it, but she wants to feel included in it. 

Isn't that what we all strive for when we have a questions and want to know why something is, was, or will be? it's not necessarily a bad thing to want to know why or how things work; In my own heart I feel bad that we are at the time of my daughter's life that we have to limit our adult only conversations to our own proximity but I am also the parent who is upfront and honest with her so that the questions don't become unresolved or negative wonders in my child's mind.

The wondering mind of a child is amazing but through my experience I realize that it is never gone. All throughout our lives, we seek to learn more and there is a certain thirst or hunger inside each and every one of us to learn more about various things. In Kindergarten and Elementary School, we are all excited to learn how to read, do basic math, geometry, and no one necessarily asks why they just do. The experience is fun and it always helps when you have a group of friends to enjoy them with. 

Somewhere in middle school is when the will to learn and wonder starts to become extinct because it is no longer cool, we become more independent, and have the mindset that we don't need to learn "this stuff because we will never use it". That attitude stays in most throughout high school as well. Of course there are the people who get straight A's and are awesome students, they work hard and achieve their highest potential. Not always are those students the ones to inquire as into why or how something works, but those are who often the questions of why and how get asked to which make them just as beautiful.

I had absolutely no clue what questioning, wondering, or the importance of asking why and how was until well into my college endeavor. When I started my philosophical journey, I absolutely fell in love with it because I have always had a mind that has always ran at 100mph thinking all day and night about anything and everything. I used to be told that "I think too much" or when I think it would be considered fearsome, what I learned was that my thinking just needed a place to go and to be free to wonder in. That's exactly what Philosophy gave me, a safety net to wonder, ask the questions of why, but yet never seek an absolute answer....

First People That Comes To Mind.

I had a feeling that this particular post was going to provoke a series of emotions, memories, and thoughts within my mind of whom I want to spotlight for this particular post. I will put the spotlight this time on two individuals in my life who I hold very near and dear to my heart. Professor Seth Tichenor and Ms. Gad Perez are the Philosophy mentors that have forever changed my life and will always have their footprints set in stone wherever life's journey shall take me from this point on.

Professor Seth Tichenor walked into my life a year ago past June, I had no clue what I was getting myself into with taking his course, all I knew was that I was excited to take a world religions class in the style and setting that I wanted to (which was in a neutral ground on a non private/religious affiliated institution). I struggled SEVERELY in that class and lost most of my self confidence in myself as a writer when I received my midterm back that term. I had just released my first published book the winter before, had a sizable journalism portfolio and promise in my writing. When I received my midterm back I was absolutely heartbroken and crushed at the slicing and dicing that came of my paper by Seth's pen. At first I was shocked, offended, and upset. The more that I would dwell on the outcome of my paper the more I felt like I failed myself, that I had no clue what I was doing, and that perhaps my writing was actually far from good. That paper destroyed my confidence and took all of my attention and distracted me the rest of that class.

It wasn't until Gad coached and mentored me through the rewrite, it wasn't that there was a total transformation but what she taught me to do was the most grandest gift anyone could ever give me; she taught me how to wonder, question, and ask why without seeking a definite answer. She was the person who knocked down that wall in my mind that was built of ignorance and inexperience in life- she introduced me to a whole new playground that I very much enjoyed exploring.

I took an incomplete in Seth's class that summer and I have to tell you it was the best decision I ever made for myself because that meant I had to take his course all over again, only it was through his online course. I tackled that midterm again and the growth that came of it shocked both Seth and Gad and that just became the start of my stronger will and desire to overcome the challenges within myself to write, perform, and be better as a wonderer, a questioner, and feel comfortable inquiring about anything and everything that I don't understand about the world.

These two people have paved the way that was always in my path, I just covered it too much to see it for myself. They have encouraged me day in and day out to step away from the self doubting and just start the doing in everything I struggle with. Reminding me that I am capable of whatever I set my mind to and that it is okay to ask for help, reach out to people who can give me direction, and fail time and time again.

This is just a SNIPPET of what these two individuals have done for me and I couldn't be more thankful for the impact and encouragement they have made in my life. Because of them I'm a better person, student, and future educator.

Together they make an awesome team working hard to bring in more success for their Philosofarian project which the mission of it is to allow anyone and everyone to learn philosophy should they choose to, it's an excellent gift they give to the world! They truly are amazingly beautiful people!

Why is Why Beautiful?

Asking questions is one of the most beautiful traits about women, especially those who have the confidence to simply just ask. Questions can only lead up to trouble if they are acted upon in such ways. Many times I have seen throughout the peers in my academic, professional, and Christian life whom all have had questions at one time or another but were too scared to ask in fear of sounding stupid, incompetent, or holding the rest of the group back from progressing (I too struggle with this). 

There is a confidence that is trapped within each of our bodies that prevents us from speaking up and being inquisitive, saying what is on our mind, and simply allowing our curiosity to explore and play for awhile. There is nothing healthier than to allow your mind to wander instead of relying on safety nets that are often told through stories, rules, and expectancy in our social life. God gave humans free will and thanks to Adam and Eve we are all wired to understand the difference between good and evil; that means that we are capable of knowing when our thought process is encouraging us to act upon it in an immoral or unjust way. 

There is no danger in asking questions, the danger is not. Asking questions is how we learn and a woman or man for that matter willing to learn and ask questions, especially when they are seeking to learn and understand, is one of the most beautiful traits of humanity. It is my hope and prayer that we can all have the confidence to simply just ask questions, wonder, and not be ashamed of not knowing something. 

Throughout my own journey, I have learned that there is far too much about the world I have no clue about but yet it is all accessible, all one must do is simply just ask or inquire and there are answers, theories, and thoughts that will help broaden their mind, intelligence, and understanding of the world. 

A person who views life in the full spectrum could never be anything less than beautiful.

Photo Credit: Nick French

My Prayer to You dEar FeRINd

To one of my dearest friends,
From the moment I met you and your husband three years ago approximately, I knew that you both were amazing people.You were always someone that I wanted to know and I always appreciated being friends with. You always sat in the back in our weekly gatherings, but never were you ignored or looked past. The energy you bring into the room when you walk is uncanny and calming and it's because of you that's always reminded me of what a good friend is. Whether it be 5 minute coffee dates, having the honor to witness you and your husband saying I Do, or simply just awaiting in prayer that God will work in your life and allow us to cross paths which He most certainly did! 

It absolutely breaks my heart to see you in so much pain and self doubt, to hear you focus so much of your attention on your brokenness when all others can see is a beautiful woman who has it so much together. If you break, it's okay to because you have good friends that are ready to glue you back together. This is a tough season for you and it certainly doesn't help that you are taunted everywhere you go and by everyone you see, Satan is good at manipulating our daily relationships and experiences, he's also an expert at shaping our attitudes. I want you to know that you are loved no matter what attitude you have, no matter how jerkish you feel, you are loved, forgiven, and your church family and the friends in your life are always ready to deliver you grace. 

We are rooting you on girlfriend and I am praying everyday for you to at least find peace within yourself so that you can have patience. I won't talk down to you and say that life won't be easy or that God will deliver in His time because He knows that even I don't like that advice, what I will tell you is that you always have people to come to talk to or pray with you whenever you need them and when you don't think you do that's okay too, you will still be loved :)

You are a beautiful, strong, and amazing woman. You captivate the room when you walk in, I'm proud to be your friend and so happy you have became a part of NewLife.

Dear Friend, You are truly beautiful never let anyone or anything take your sparkle away :)

Dare to be Beautiful

In the article that inspired this blog, the third thing that identifies beautiful says that beauty is a daring action, one that is built on your authentic intention instead of being attached to the outcome. I absolutely  love this statement because as women we are always seeking beauty as an end or a different outcome from our current reality. This particular statement definitely requires some humility on my part as well as accountability. I am always struggling to reach beauty as a desired outcome, never do I take the time to look at myself right here and right now and see myself as beautiful. It's unfortunate because beauty for women has different dimensions that allows us to make excuses for the flaws we are ashamed of in ourselves.

Together as women, we must work together to always encourage each other and to find the beauty within ourselves and within our loved ones that are the traits most hide from or don't want people to notice. If we can love each other for our faults verses our perfections, think about how much more graceful and like Jesus we would all be. Think about the type of humanity that would derive from this change of life and attitude. There are way too many women in my life which whom I love dearly that thinks of themselves as horrible, not pretty enough, at fault for their own flaws, insignificant, and broken by self affliction. It is absolutely heartbroken to see these women think these ways of themselves when others looking in see such as myself looking in and see perfection. However, if I were to be honest I would have to say that I too do this.

Working through the Captivating book I can't tell you how much attitude or enlightenment has awaken in me as a woman, the book has given me a lot to think about, pray about, and give me some encouragement to change my own attitude and way of thinking. What I have learned is this beauty is something that we all seek but shame is what keeps us from seeing the light. I am so insecure about my weight, the masculine features I have such as my eyebrows, thicker bone structure, and all of the other traits that I feel comes from the men in my family as well as from the side of my father's genes. I also struggle a lot with not liking my hair enough which is something I will never understand, I always want it longer, blonder, and when I can't afford the maintenance I settle for my "natural hues" just to eventually want a change again. Ridiculous I know, but I realize that we all struggle with these physical insecurities, the truth is that we can change everything about us physically but the one thing that will always get overseen is the internal changes that need to made, specifically the attitude towards ourselves and how we define beautiful.

Every Sunday I sit in my church looking around the room in absolute awe of the beautiful women that surrounds me and sometimes I drift off into thoughts of what I would desire to have of theirs physically- whether it be their hair, laugh, voice, style/fashion sense, accessories/shoes, make up trend, or whatever else I find myself doubtful or feeling inadequate with in myself. It's actually rather common that I find myself drifting off into this thought process of self doubt and not feeling good enough or pretty enough.

Through the Captivating book, one thing that was revealed to me in my journey was that it is those very steep and voided holes within my self esteem that needs to be changed, you know the holes where our shame hides. During the Shame series at NewLife, I worked on the struggles of feeling ashamed of my sexual past which is not the greatest, I was so busy focusing on it that I didn't take anytime to work on the shame that still lingers within me about my weight and not feeling good enough. The beauty of this is that it has awakened my logic and has reinstated my focus into what needs to be changed and worked on in my life.

My prayer for the women in my life is that they too can take the challenge to look within themselves and find the identifiers of their insecurities and pray them away, give them to God, and allow themselves to heal fully and freely within their hearts so they can have a better self esteem. My prayer for the men in my life is to encourage the women in their life to see themselves as beautiful for WHO THEY ARE and not what they do or look like. It is my prayer for humanity to get on the same page of this and work together for the common good and the goal to have a better self esteem and to see the world through Heaven's Eye View.

Grace is Beautiful

Grace is a beautiful thing! Unfortunately I have taken some time away from the blogging blurbs but I am finally getting back to it. Nothing reveals beautiful more than experience and life that one lives. More blogs are upon the horizon :)

Philosophy is a Very Beautiful Thing

One of the most beautiful areas of life is Philosophy. In my opinion nothing comes close or even compares to the role that Philosophy plays in the world, more specifically nothing could ever come close to the influence or impact that it has on a person's life. It is even more beneficial if you have the right philosopher guiding you in the right direction through teaching, time and effort. In my life I was always a thinker, I spent a lot of time by myself so I had no choice but to think and wonder about anything and everything. So because of my natural habit of thinking I felt that the idea of philosophy when I experienced the first basic class that was offered at my college a few years ago, I felt very comfortable and drawn to the world of it. I thought it was a perfect fit for me because of the fact that I had all these thoughts and truly desired them to be carried out into real life or at the very least allow them to make themselves known on paper.

Although I had swam in the shallow end of the philosophical pool in life, I didn't dive in until Summer of 2013 through my World Religions Class. Over the last year almost, I have done nothing but sink and soak into the depths of all that Philosophy is and could be. I haven't even reached the ultimate depths yet and I don't care, I'm still swimming! Philosophy is amazing because it allows you to think about the world differently and it allows you to give certain things thoughts that you would never think you'd experience in your life. It brings a new perception and it provides a new acknowledgement and vision of all things in life. Philosophy is endless and it is thinking in slow motion. It is carefully pinpointing various thoughts and attacking it so that you can truly discover and appreciate it as a whole.

I have been blessed with an amazing Philosophy Professor that I will showcase later in my blog series. But what I will share with you now is that having the right Philosopher guide you, is the perfect key to the doorway of the rest of your life. Philosophy does not take you away from everything you know, nor does it try to strip you of your faith and hopes in whatever you believe in. Philosophy showcases them and it allows you to perceive them in a whole new light that was more beautiful then the perception you had before. Philosophy is beautiful because it is always changing and evolving over time. It allows you to be very careful in your word choosing and how you live your life in a thoughtful way.

Philosophy has it's own thoughts and ideas of what being beautiful is  as it pertaining to an event, it's not something that just is and it's not just blonde hair and blue eyes. Being beautiful and being able to identify those beautiful traits in yourself is more beneficial, logical and rational to pinpoint certain events or obstacles you have overcome in life because that is where your true beauty can be discovered. It is because of this belief as into what beauty is that I have approached this blog in the way that I have, because in my opinion people (including myself) gets too caught up in what we are supposed to look like and what clothes we are supposed to wear in order to be beautiful. We need to put an end to that one person and one doubt at a time. We are all beautiful and my hope is that every one of us can find it within our testimonies of life!

Jennifer Sisley Hawkins Jenny Bash... Whatever you know her as, she is beautiful.

I have a friend that is super special and significant in not only my life but the lives of others. Since the day I met her I knew that there was a presence about her that I enjoyed and knew that I needed to get to know her better. Her kids were amazing and the love that they all had as a family was one I always felt I could relate to. I met Jennifer almost three years ago during my "newborn months" at NewLife Baptist Church. She was just always so upbeat and always so friendly, that I will never forget. Eventually she and I became friends and sooner after that we became best friends. I always enjoyed spending time with her, getting to know her children, enjoying her yummy chicken dinners that still can't be topped by other cooks :) She was always such a gracious and loving support for myself and my children. I never knew such quality could come from a young woman as I have had troubles with trusting beforehand. Jennifer has sat through every cry and vent that I have ever had without no complaint. She truly is a magnificent human being.

But what makes her beautiful is not the sacrifice and blessings she has given me over the years. No, her beauty is all her own that God has blessed her with. She is an angel of sorts this much is true and she sings like one too. Her voice is one of the most beautiful and authentic voices you will ever hear in your life. It's a talent that she possesses that entails a significant tone and rarity that you cant find in any other voice out there. Her music is how she worships God and it's what makes her feel whole. You can't begin talking about Jennifer without mentioning her voice and that's why I am sharing it first.

But then you have to strip the voice in order to discover another layer of beauty that lies within her being her heart. Jennifer has one of the most lovely hearts that I have ever seen. All she desires is to see and bring the best out in those around her. She observes everything about everyone but she cares more about making sure they are happy in her presence or at the very least she will do what she can to help them get through whatever she can. Jennifer would and does give the shirt right off her back to help others even if they don't deserve it. Yes she has made mistakes as we all have, but her heart allows her to be humble and accepting of those mistakes as learning lessons in life. Her don't care attitude that she has about not caring too much about what other people think is absolutely empowering and influential in women because in reality we are our own critics and the only person we need to feel accepted by is Jesus Christ and that she does.

After learning of the beauty of her voice and heart, one must go deeper to discover another layer about her which is the target for this particular blog. Jennifer is beautiful because of how she responds and ignores her fears in life. Jennifer fears three things in life- Failure, Heights and Tsunamis. The thing about Jennifer is you would never know of her fears because she never lets them show because she attacks them as soon as they show themselves in her life. She works hard in school and everything she does in life to make sure that she does succeed to her liking. She spends numerous hours studying and doing everything she can to make sure that she heads in the direction in life that she has worked so hard to go. She will never let failure get her down because she won't give it the chance to come near her.

Same with heights, I would never know she was afraid of heights because I had the utmost honor of going ziplining with her last year about this time. She had no hesitation or nerves that she let show. She zipped every line and had a blast! You would have never been able to identify her fear of heights in a million years! Again she didn't let that fear even come near her! Lastly you have the fear of Tsunamis, long story short.. She lives right next to the beach.. I think that's enough to say about that.

The truth of the matter is that Jennifer, you are one of the most beautiful people on this planet. Anyone who is lucky enough to call you friend is extremely blessed and it is my prayer and hope for you that those particular people really take time to notice, stop and thank God for blessing them with you in their lives. You succeed in everything you put your mind to because of the strong will you have and the resistance you have to let life taking you down, what an impeccable influence you are to those around you to do the same. God bless you!

Beauty Spotlight* Conquering Fear (A friend's testimony)

Since starting this blog I have desired to go in as many directions with it as I can. I feel that beauty is something we all desire to have in life and sometimes I feel that we struggle seeing that it already exists in our lives. When it comes to the feeling and security of being beautiful in one's self I feel that it is even more important to notice it in others because we all have insecurities and struggle with feeling like we are the best we can be.

With that particular theory and belief, this is the start of a blog series that I call Beauty Spotlight because I am going to share a testimony of whom I see beauty in according to the topic that I cover from the 50 signs of beauty article.

Hope you enjoy!

Result of Further Reflection

After posting yesterday's blog I spent some more time reflecting over other things that I have found myself being afraid of and one of those things are the memories of my past. High school was nothing less that pure and utter torture, I was bullied in high school so much that I left the high school in my hometown and transferred to another high school in the Salem area. My peers just wouldn't give me a break and I really felt like I had no choice but to run away and start over. Although I made the decision to transfer high schools, I still hated living in my hometown and even now I have hated returning back to it. When I go back I can see the same looks and hear the same whispers that I heard years ago and they have just kinda stuck and traveled over time. I can't return and think of it as my home, instead I look at it as the nightmare I couldn't wake up from.

All throughout high school I needed that self-affirmation to keep going and I searched for it in all the wrong places. I held a resentment and strong grudge towards the peers at my old high school and those resentments traveled with me and in some ways they still stick with me. A turning point occurred in my life recently where I became aware of all the damage and wrong I had done in my life in result of the events that happened to me during my freshman year of high school. What I also realize is that never once did they happen to hinder me nor did God punish me for anything I had done bad. At the end of the day as an adult I can look a it and identify the blessings that came from it even though the pain was much more easier to feel.

Transferring high schools was the best thing that happened for me, I didn't run away- God saved me. I always kept my faith and always listened to his voice during the times where all I wanted to do was just end my own life. I never would give it a second thought because each and every time I would hear the voice inside of me saying "you have a lot to live for". Each denial I made to Satan that desired me to be in hell with him, I defeated it by not listening to him whatsoever. Yes there were some very mean and nasty people that made my life a living hell but now I can honestly and securely say with full confidence that I forgive them. I forgive them because the actions they did and the words they said are not who they are nor were they ever. There are still many that I am fond of no matter how much they felt it necessary to follow the crowd.

I was innocent, naieve, and I always had the best of intentions in any choice I made back then and those motivations and characteristics still reside in me today. They are what makes me who I am or at the very least have crated a foundation of understanding as into who I am and why. I don't set out to harm people and sometimes I do things or respond to situations because I haven't got a clue of what they mean nor do I have a full comprehension of what is going on. My mistake in the past has never been allowing myself the opportunity of full communication which is what I have decided to do from this point on.

Transferring high schools was a huge blessing. Although I didn't receive the best peer to peer treatment, I had amazing teachers that have done nothing less but continue to be a good representative and advocate for me. They always made me feel safe, accepted, and they made me realize that I did belong there and there was in fact a place in high school that I could call my own and fit in right then and there for who I was. This is why I equipment managed for so long. It allowed me to be involved with school athletics without having to actually play, I never played sports in high school because of the fact that I didn't want to be the girl out there with glasses nor did I want to be the girl to take my glasses off and not be able to see a thing. Equipment Managing made me feel like I was contributing to something important and it felt like I was always doing the right thing.

I never craved to be popular, all I wanted was to feel peace in high school and accepted for just being there. I was the person who had rumors spread about day in and day out. I was the one that experienced multiple peer to peer confrontations because someone would use my name to pull a prank on someone such as asking someone to snowball and writing my name on the invitation. Then of course there were the blabbermouths from my old school who felt it necessary to burn every relationship or friendship that I had with other students at my new school and did this by having to "enlighten" my new schoolmates of what my history was at my old school. Kids and teenagers are SO mean and honestly they aren't getting any better in our society of schools anymore.

Graduating from West Salem High School, I left feeling proud to be a Titan, certainly I still wish that there are students that I could reconnect with and allow them the opportunity to give me a fresh start and to see who I am as a person, the person that was always there that together my peers allowed Satan to work through each situation and destroy that person and truly mask it with suit and sin. The truth is that I have never been the naieve girl who "stalked" athletes, nor was I ever a threat to anyone's social status. Being around me didn't destroy your reputation, sorry I never had that power. Never have I been ugly, fat, nor have I ever been not worthy of care from people. I have always been smart and careful with whom I let into my life and the words I say to people. What I realize is that God created me a certain way and that way never changed, it was the influence of my peers that made me look at myself and see different.

By graduating from West Salem High School and having had gone through my experiences all throughout high school as a teenage girl who had a deep desire and craving to have some sort of attention or relationship with a guy eventually ate at me in places where my inner self esteem was effected. I found a "beauty" within myself that was fake and phony. I relied on hair extensions, good selfies with non revealing angles, and of course the internet to gain affection and affirmation from young men who were into women like that. That attitude and assumption of what others needed to see in order to like me at the very least was essentially what attracted and connected me to the man that would I would remain in a relationship with for nearly two years.

The relationship started out pretty intense but there was something about him that drew me in and I couldn't explain it. Within a very short amount of time we had connected and really became understanding to one another. It was a complex relationship that's for sure but he gave me attention that I never experienced and it made me feel good to be able to say I had at least once in my life. Eventually the relationship became very mentally abusive as I was never enough. All the while he would play his video games and would just chat online to ex girlfriends all day and would talk to me all about it and how much they meant to him and how his desire was to be with them but he obviously wanted me too or he wouldn't have been there.

It's because of my desperation to feel cared about that I decided to stay with him and I committed myself to him for almost six months and he decided to leave me and move to California for an ex girlfriend. So I attempted to have a fresh start and move to Arizona for a second time. Eventually I got lonely and my physical wants and needs became more important when he decided to reach out to me again. Eventually I let him back into my life and decided to share a home with him which was when the real trouble started. There was a lot of physical abuse that occurred within the home and there was just a control he had over me that I couldn't explain rationally.

I had come back home due to the passing of my grandmother, ahh she was always an angel. But during those months of being at home I was dead inside, everything that had ever given me faith before being my grandma was gone just like that. After a summer season in depression I had discovered that I was expecting a baby. Deep in my heart I knew that I was expecting a girl and that her name would be Faith because she represented so much. It was my daughter who essentially gave me the confidence to leave my boyfriend at the time and really take pride and truly make gestures to show that I too am important and that I deserved to be safe.

Ultimately the new found role of motherhood was a challenge on it's own from the pregnancy and birth to the weeks after. It was during those weeks that I became very needy and low in my self and felt as if I needed that affirmation of feeling wanted again and I couldn't quite connect that I had enough in my life at that time, but Satan tricked me into thinking I needed more which is when I allowed myself to let another young man in who would change my life forever.

At first he seemed perfect but then as time went on his true colors revealed itself through the removal of my daughter at just four months old due to abuse and maltreatment of the young man to the obliviousness that I had towards him. It was a severely abusive relationship that sent me down a very long and narrow path with a shorter time duration.

However, although this road seems dark and curvy, it ultimately led up to me finding my church, accepting Jesus into my heart, having that ultimate change of attitude and desire, that year of really letting my faith grow within side of me and truly taking that year to fully accept and know who Jesus was on a more intimate level. That year allowed me to grow, escape the cycle of domestic violence, get the therapy I needed, and it also allowed me to start school which would ultimately lead me on a more impacting journey.

It was through school that I discovered I never wanted to leave and that being an educator is what i needed to be in life. I loved my classes and the support that I received through the walls of the institution and it inspired me to move forwards and truly make something of myself for not only my children but for myself as a person.

Ultimately I of course regained custody of my daughter and of course had my son all in the same time frame. Life hasn't been easy since but if it hadn't been for those rough years in high school I wouldn't have headed down the road I did which in the end lead me up to where I am now which I couldn't look at myself and see a better person. I know the growth and the changes I have gone through to get to where I am and because of it I am more confident and proud that I got here and I thank Jesus every day for that sweet victory He allowed me to have.

Being afraid of my peers and my hometown has kept me prisoner for a long time because I have found in the past that it is their approval I care more about which is highly unfortunate. But what I realize is that life moves on and so do they. I have been blessed with the opportunity to converse with an individual who played a significant role in my not so happy times in high school during my freshman year and being able to acknowledge that I have forgiven not only him but everyone else as well did nothing but make me feel like a more lighter and less stressed person. God forgave me and showed me by having Jesus die on the Cross, the least I can do is pay it forward and forgive others too. We are all young and naieve in our lives but it is those who forgive us that will always turn the situation around in our perception and allow us to see that they were all just blessings in disguise, and that my friends is the most beautiful reality that one could ever discover in life.