I haven't really noticed this problem head on until now but I have always had "feedback" and people who have tried to help me overcome this problem without me even realizing it. The earliest I could remember was honestly in the relationship I had for 2 years starting at age 19. Often times he would get anger some at me because I would never just come out and say what I had to say, I was always being indirect or I would fade in and out of the point I was trying to make. Other times we would have chat sessions when he didn't stay over and I would find myself typing these long paragraphs with no break in between, It would be me explaining the entire picture when all I was trying to get across was one part of it.
What I never told Bryan was that there were sometimes that I didn't feel that his mind would comprehend what I was trying to say and often times I knew he didn't listen to me anyways. Sometimes the bigger picture was the point of what I was trying to make certainly but not always.
Eventually when the spark ignited in me to actively creatively write, I became swept up in metaphors and passionate ways to showcase my feelings, thoughts, and love within each word I wrote. I discovered that sometimes communicating this way was far better and more effective then just saying how I feel. Not long ago I was a severely broken young girl who knew nothing about life other than to live it whichever way it may come. There were often times when I were too scared to be clear or to be to the point because in my mind that showcased vulnerability and that is one thing to this day I struggle with being. In my mind being vulnerable is a sign of weakness, but it is one that I most certainly am eager to try to let go of as time goes on an with the right people. (Call me paranoid but that's a whole other problem)
When I started my journey through Philosophy I never realized that the critique and efforts that came through my mentors both Seth and Gad were never to insult or discourage me. It was all rather to open up a different world to writing so that I can explore and discover even more talents then I never knew I had. My writing to this day in the class has had to be worked on one paper at a time because I still have a tendency to work from the bigger picture on in and never truly make the point of what is being asked of me. Analyzing is a huge part of life, academics, and communication. If I want to pursue anything of that nature then yes I do believe that I need to work at it harder, unfortunately I have always seen the problem on paper but never did I start to realize the problem I have in my verbal communication as well.
Not long ago I had a certain peer say to another that "I talk too much" a few months later I was told that "I need to work on my clarification and getting to the point because the listener stopped listening along time ago" last night a friend from school got annoyed with me because I said something unintelligent and it got on their nerves, and today I was met with the fact that I need to work on this deficiency in my communication skills. Before I would get insulted and actually I do take offense to it and always have, I began to feel ashamed of myself and felt like I had to justify my reasoning to both individuals that scorned my confidence in communicating. I even remember turning around and asking my dear friend at work "do I talk to much because so and so says I do".
So here's a little history so that perhaps I could be understood a little better. Growing up I never had an active social life, from age 12 on up due to having no social life I would go home and just be alone. I would either entertain myself on the computer, watch TV, or sleep because it would make time go by faster so I wouldn't have to live in those moments anymore. Not only did I have many friends but the main factor was that I was bullied out of my hometown high school, bullied in the high school I graduated from, and never really regained my reputation with either of them throughout my peers. The only people I would talk to were my dogs, myself, or whomever I could chat with long distance over the internet once social media took off.
The only thing I did to express myself was to sing and then eventually I became obsessed with becoming someone else over social media, no I wouldn't take other people's pictures and use them, but I would spent a lot of days or nights making myself into someone who I wasn't by way of makeup, styling my hair, posing in ways that would invite the opposite sex into my company. It wasn't that I had an alter ego but I understood the reasons why which people have one. People over social media didn't know me nor did they know my real life situation, I could be whomever I desired to be and I guess that's where the fantasy and metaphorical writing came into play for me.
It wasn't until three years ago that I began to have what I define as normal relationships and interactions with peers around me, it all started within the walls of my church (NewLife), Not only did I fully find myself and Jesus in the church, but I too learned and continue to learn what friendship is, how communication works, and what boundaries are. I've taken each wisdom and have applied it to school where I have learned more about what it takes and means to have healthy interactions with people and I have applied those skills and insights to every possible situation and environment I find myself in.
Most people consider me to be social but I argue that I am more of a relational person because that is the one void in my life that I didn't have for a very long time and the more it gets filled the better I feel about myself. This is not to say that I take advantage of any situation or person, what I mean is that I find more beauty in the connections I have with people more than I do with HOW many connections with people I have. To me the numbers are insignificant, but the quality is where the significance is at.
So here are the answers to my own questions..
1.) I beat around the bush because sometimes that's all I know how to do and other times I beat around the bush because I am scared to come right out and speak the truth about how I feel towards something
2.) When I beat around the bush it usually consists of topics or situations where my feelings towards a certain situation or person become involved. I am absolutely terrified to share my feelings when I have them for someone else and I am also terrified to admit it to others. In that sense I feel like I am allowing myself the opportunity to get hurt even further and allow myself to rely or at least trust another person, specifically a male person.
*I love the idea of having a relationship with that special person, having it start as two total strangers who grow into acquaintances, then friends, to dating, then committed relationship, and the list goes on. * Absolutely I love this idea and I am very mindful and prayerful of it each and everyday, especially when God lays on my heart or puts a person in my path who I believe could very much fit that bill, and that idea totally scares me!*
3.) From this point on what I can do to better myself in this habit is to just be out loud and up front with my feelings and emotions about any given situation or person and not care who thinks what about it. How can I sit here and blog about this advice and showcasing how beautiful it is when I am a hypocrite who doesn't execute this course of action herself?
Well let me tell you something it is most definitely a habit that won't change over night, but I am thankful for those in my life who support me in the growth and have my back to help me successfully get through this life's obstacle. Also thank you to those who have stuck by my side even though I have these issues!! Forever I am truly grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment