There would be family members who would ask my grandma over the holiday phone calls if I was still fat or if I have lost weight. Peers would taunt me for not being tiny and eventually I believed the words.
During my sophomore year in high school I lost about 20lbs before going to Costa Rica for a school trip spring break, I felt incredible! I was always about 130-140 in high school and I was comfortable with myself. I always understood id never be a sick because my bone structure is too large and thick to be and I was okay with that.
Having a more sizable weight blessed me with curves and I have always embraced them because I am a woman hear me roar.. Just kidding, I appreciated that I had curves because I always appreciated being a woman and I would be one who never thought about turning to plastic surgery to make me Different.
Age 19 I got pregnant with Faith just after losing 30lbs after a weight gain. I felt on top but quickly gained back my weight through the course of my pregnancy. When Faith was born I didn't even bother with my weight cause I was comfortable.
Few months later I discovered I was pregnant with Michael and since I has Michael I have had the hardest time losing weight since!
I have gotten to the point where I never look down and can't stand looking at myself in a full length mirror because the tummy looking back at me is what I feel to be disgusting! I have the worse self esteem and confidence because of my weight but what I have grown to learn is that my beauty could never be measured by the measurement of a scale.
The beauty I have is unmeasurable as it is because God says so and for once in my life I am in a place where I believe Him. Certainly I see traits about my physicality I would love to change but I'm in no position to attract others to a person who has no relation to the person I was created to be.
Naturally as I allow myself to feel for others during his time of my life moreso a certain other, my anxiety kicks in for the future and how my weight will be perceived and if it will be a turn off but then I think to myself and say that whoever loves me at my worse will deserve to walk alongside me as I take a journey to become my best.
A person shouldn't judge me for not looking the part of their idea of perfection, my stomach has carried three babies at one time or another 1 miscarriage, 1 baby girl and 1 baby boy. My weight is composed of stress that has had no outlet, abuse that has scorned my body and has left scars, failures in my life, good food, and insecurities.
I'm not this weight for no reason and yes some can be taken into accountability for myself but others it's not so much. The weight of my past has been lifted through salvation and conquering the victim within me, the weight of my future is determined by me.
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