My eyebrows suck because they are too thick and too dark to be anything but a brunette.
My face is dry but doesn't respond to moisturizers, so I can only use facial scrubs to make my skin "soft".
My nails are too short, I'm not tattooed enough to my liking, and my feet are retched in the winter time!
My stomach is a complete blob since having my kids and doesn't seem to want to shrink, I hate it and want it gone!!!!
These are all a list of everything that I am never happy with and always want to change in myself. I look in the mirror and I feel ugly, ashamed, and less than because of it. I only own mirrors that show my face because I'm too embarrassed to own a full length.
I go to church and I resent myself because I'm too busy being jealous of Michelle's flawless glamourhood each week, Randi's stunning beauty as I drop my kids off wishing I could have that hair, those eyes, and that perfect beauty. I'm too busy looking at Erin wishing I had her hair and that perfect style she has, Becky's sleek hair, awesome fashion sense, and her ability to light the room when she walks in. I get jealous of Christa's county girl of perfection and Cassie's beaming beauty. I'm jealous of Heather's simplicity and no need totey because she's simply just gorgeous. I'm jealous of Holly's fierceness and edgy looks!
On Sundays I dress myself up to cover up my flaws just to enter the doors just to sink within my low self esteem because I've just seen Cindy Jayne or Lena looking flawless, fashionable, or close to a princess.
My life is filled with beautiful women whom I admire, respect, and envy. I like anyone else get caught up in the satanic myths that I'm not good enough, too fat, not worthy, and undeserving of higher self confidence.
This slippery slope has held me prisoner since age six when I started getting teased at school. I got teased for having thick hair, wearing glasses, being curvy, and not being anything close to pretty. These thoughts imbedded into my mind and eventually i considered them to be true and obviously i still do!!!
Starting this blog I had a checklist of everything I wanted to change about myself in order for OTHERS to like me because that's what I believed to be the reason as well as solution.
It's funny because there's a lot of factors I can see and take accountability in this post 1.) I am too critical of myself 2.) I believed others 3.) in a sea full of love in my life I still fail to see myself accepted 4.) the way I view myself is still dependent on other people.
I know this attitude is wrong and I wish I didn't think this way but this particular low self esteem and poor attitude towards myself has been a part of my identity and nature for nearly all of my life and it's a pretty hard habit to break let me tell you!!!
What I realize now is this- my looks do not define my worth or how beautiful I am. I HAVE PHYSICAL FLAWS, that is normal and is what is expected!!! I will always be embarrassed of something because I am a woman and that's what we do.
I would give Anything to consider myself pretty!!! But unfortunately I'm not there YET. Instead I have been noticing what does make me beautiful!! I have a great heart, I have a lot to give, I sacrifice for those I love, I stay strong through the grace of God, I never give in to failures, and I always find a way to keep going. I choose to be realistic yet not negative, I'm educated, a philosopher, but also like to live life systematically. I'm a mother, a daughter, a niece, a friend, and a Christian. I trust in God with all of my heart and I live my life imperfectly but yet have defeated sin time and time again.
Before recently I couldn't see this in myself and now I'm finally at a point in my life where I can. It's a prayer I pray for each person in my life because I know how horrible low self esteem can be! Find the beauty WITHIN YOURSELF and I promise you that you will find peace.
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