I was struggling with becoming anxious and consumed by the feelings of heartbreak, shame, and impatience that I have been experience lately. No they hasn't become the center of my being, but by the grace of God I have not gotten weak enough to give in to Satan's voice and opinions in relation to these feelings.
I feel at times like I am a victim of my feelings both good and bad. I feel like I can control them for so long and when I can't it's like throwing a grenade at the relationship or friendship causing it to blow to pieces.
Recently, it was no different. I allowed myself to feel, get excited, and express it. In result the grenade of hope exploded and separated the other person and myself tremendously (and it was my perception that we were very close) and now it feels like a football field has separated the friendship and now it had started over and yet not left the goal posts!
I tell you, feelings suck!! And I hate expressing them!!
But one thing I have learned is that because I embraced them for my own self both good and bad, the fact I took the risk anyways does in fact show the strength and courage I have inside of me. It also shows the worth I see in others and says hey!!! You are THIS big in someone's world.
To me this courage is beautiful, one i would never imagine I would discover or acquire over my life. I used to be so quiet and subdued. If I felt something I would hold it inside until it ate me from the inside out but now that I embrace them head on, the growth I witness in myself becomes the star of the show and I thank God everyday that I've gotten to this point!
It was silly for me to feel embarrassed and scared to write these posts, there's no beauty in embarrassment because you aren't showcasing what you're trying to hide which most likely is stunning.
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