Confessions of a Christian Woman

Diary post #1.

To every side of every spectrum there is always an opposite, my blog rants will start with me taking accountability for something in my life that is far from beautiful.

From a young girl I have learned to let stress keep me a physical prisoner of my own body. 

In my short 24 years of life I have been bullied, exposed and experienced to sexual abuse as a teenager, lived a life if darkness and alone, grow up into adulthood not knowing a thing about life and being naieve and vulnerable enough to allow a man into my life who destroyed every light in myself that I saw. He destroyed my confidence in myself, made me codependent, and I believed that I was less than nothing and that's all I would ever be. I was convinced that all I needed was him around- he could abuse me in anyway he liked but as long as he was there I thought that was my purpose.

The abuse lasted a couple of years and it tore me inside and out because it took away the youthful kindred spirit that was always inside of me. During the relationship I lost my best friend, my grandmother, and the night of her passing is when my daughter was conceived by not my own choice.

After finding out that I had a child in my body, that alone gave me the strength and courage to get out, not that I felt worth more but because the child would be able to make more of herself. I got out of that relationship and the first few weeks felt more like a detox, I simply just soaked up the stress and tension of it all and simply moved on and went about life as if it happened in the past and there was nothing I could do about it except live.

It is that attitude that has stuck with me and I have acquired and I have adapted to in life ever since. Me coping with stress is non existent, I simply move on with the attitude that there is nothing more that I can do.

This is the behavior that has become my own poison. 

My body has shut down twice now in the last few months because it is physically overwhelmed with the stress that has built upon it over the years. I have chose to ignore my problems and not consider them anything but life's twists and turns. 

What I have learned is that my mind may be clear of the memories and thoughts but the tension and physical responses never do. Why? Because there is no outlet that I use to release them.

Never do I take part in an activity such as exercise to release my stress, I exercise because I hate my weight and want it gone so that I can accept myself and have others accept me because I have been convinced all my life that I am fat and that is why I attracted abusers and haven't been fully accepted by female peers. This attitude was provoked through family and school members from a young girl.

I don't sing, play an instrument, capture photography, or paint a picture to relieve my stress. 

Instead I sing to forget things or I don't sing at all knowing the talent I have within me, again afraid of not being accepted. I don't play an instrument cause I don't feel smart enough to. Photography I love because it focuses on everyone else's beauty but my own. And painting, that was my grandmas talent and I feel like I would be stealing it away from her.

The article says that the people who are talented in these ways are beautiful and I simply agree. I think there is an amazing beauty within individuals who not only have such talents but also have the courage to share their talents with others and not care about what other people think. 

That is a courage I have backwards, I fear too much of the negative because it's what I'm convinced of. This is not to say that I don't consider myself a good person or are ignorant to the fact that I have a good heart.

But when I look at myself in the mirror or lay in anxious thought my mind is going 100 miles per hour over what I would enhance or change about my body (no not plastic surgery) but I am so convinced that I am not accepted by society or my peers based on what I look like.

I never believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful and trust me it hurts to acknowledge that I waste every compliment that comes my way.

As a Christian I know that God created me in His image, but through my reading of captivating, I learn that His image is my heart and the things about who I am that are a reflection of and yes I have a certain amount of confidence and thanks in that but I still feel ashamed to say that Satan still has this hold over me, that I'm far from beautiful in the physical sense.

As I open myself up and allow myself to become vulnerable to feeling for others I find myself becoming more critical of how I dress, what makeup routine I do, and how I want to present myself when they will be around. It's become a torture, satans way of convincing me that I'm not good enough.

This attitude is NOT beautiful and one thing I have learned while being sick this last week is that I need to be still in Gods voice who says I am enough, that I don't need to go and change everything about myself for anyone else- especially a boy.

He's reminded me that other priorities need to come first such as taking on activities that are purposely meant to relieve my stress and also to show myself that I need to be a priority too. 

So many people have counted on me in the past and I have let them down. Some have become angry and I've lost one friendship over it because the individual couldn't see that two people were being hurt in the situation. They only cared about their own discomfort.

I am always the first to put others first because if I focus on myself I feel selfish and ashamed of my journey, mistakes, and I feel like a failure. That's why I do everything in my power to distract myself and it's finally got to the point where it's not God or my peers telling me to get a grip and wake up, it has now become my body saying "SHAYLYN I am hurting, please do something!"

So that's what I've officially set out to do, make myself a priority and discover things that I find pleasure, peace, and joy. Also find things to do that will purposely relieve stress so I can face it head on instead of attacking and dealing with it.

There's a fine line between choosing to not focus on your own problems and ignoring the stresses that are affecting your every day life big or small. I am not just stressed about one thing and most certainly I have had troubles come and go but the thing is that the tension never goes away.

The Christian in me feels guilt for fretting about this but the logical person in me also knows that I am human, I'm going to fret, and giving God my situation will always be key, but there are things that I need to do in my own free will as well in irder to ensure I'm taking care of myself correctly.

It is my hope and prayer that anyone who deals with stress this way would find it in their own hearts and strength to figure out how to release it because I would not wish upon anyone what has happened to me over the last few months.

God Bless You All

You are Beautiful.

Two blues create go

Time moves on

One says no

Dark keeps pushing through

Making something of the self he is

The light sinks into the false life that she makes fit

Always noticeable but wasn't front in center

He is now gone and now she wonders 

It took awhile for the hues to connect

The connection lingers as patience arises

Kindness is a reminder

The pages of the Corinthians instruct all

The words of the messages causes a fall

Where will she land she does not know

He is scared to fall in case she were to go

God knows what's beyond the horizon

Only the future will tell

Somehow someday we will become beyond this hell

The lake of fire is too hot to swim through

Take ahold of my hand because my wings will protect you

If you only knew my feathers were white

That the color of my aura was that color that captured your eyes

An angel by your side

I will protect you through the night

Because of you I'm safe

And your banter won't escape

I'm scared to death because this much is true

The book has been written and in this moment now I hope it's you

The end to my beginning and the end to my search

The race is over for me because you have come first.

.

Beauty isn't Found in Pounds

I was wondering when this blog series would force me to face the issue of weight. 

The article says that flat tummies are beautiful but soft ones are beautiful too.

I love the reminder that this statement gives! It is direct and to the point but unfortunately the message conveyed never gets delivered it seems.

This society has become an ugly one because of how consumed and obsessed humanity has become over weight, I too fall into this category.

In the grand scheme of things I guess it is safe to say that we all struggle with finding that tummy we all consider to be perfect and beautiful. Either we work our butts off to flatten it the best we can or we spend our lives feeling unattractive and depressed over how we look.

Speaking from experience I know how hard it can be to accept yourself, especially after women have babies and their body doesn't go back to the way it was before- weight is a huge barrier that prevents people from living a fulfilled life.

Weight dictates how we feel about ourselves, how we act towards others, what we do with our lives, how we are accepted by others, and it also dictates many choices in our lives such as choosing to be in unhealthy relationships because we can't get any better or it can dictate our future by either encouraging us to commit to a road of fitness or sometimes drugs to rid the weight.

Weight determines the level of sexy a woman or man feels when intimate with others and it also can determine if a marriage lasts or fails.

Weight is the lie that says we aren't good enough, but it is also the truth that says our weight doesn't determine the wealth of our beauty.

Society tells us that a size 4 or 6 is a plus size and flat stomachs are the way to go. Society also is supposed to be a place where all persons experience freedom and liberty to the fullest extent of each word.

A person can be beautiful no matter the size but unfortunately there are many people who judge based off of it. I read an article just yesterday about what guys will never say to their partners and one of the things said was that most men will never be quite satisfied when their ladies gain weight EXCEPT for pregnancy.

This particular statement really has me bothered because although pregnancy is a beautiful thing, it is also a very sizable contribution to why so many women's bodies don't stay in that honeymoon state.

If God had the intention of keeping women skinny or one weight for the rest of their lives, I have a Strong feeling that He would have left the child bearing to the men.

God created women in His image and He made our hearts like His, for some odd reason a woman's heart is not the first thing noticed or seen and it's an unfortunate part of humanity.

Big or small, weight is beautiful because a lot of times weight in people is nothing more than a trunk filled with a persons biggest hurts, fears, and innocence.

My weight reflection

I have struggled with weight ever since I was a little girl. I was never the skinny girl and let me tell you that my family and peers made sure that I knew it. 

There would be family members who would ask my grandma over the holiday phone calls if I was still fat or if I have lost weight. Peers would taunt me for not being tiny and eventually I believed the words.

During my sophomore year in high school I lost about 20lbs before going to Costa Rica for a school trip spring break, I felt incredible! I was always about 130-140 in high school and I was comfortable with myself. I always understood id never be a sick because my bone structure is too large and thick to be and I was okay with that.

Having a more sizable weight blessed me with curves and I have always embraced them because I am a woman hear me roar.. Just kidding, I appreciated that I had curves because I always appreciated being a woman and I would be one who never thought about turning to plastic surgery to make me Different.

Age 19 I got pregnant with Faith just after losing 30lbs after a weight gain. I felt on top but quickly gained back my weight through the course of my pregnancy. When Faith was born I didn't even bother with my weight cause I was comfortable.

Few months later I discovered I was pregnant with Michael and since I has Michael I have had the hardest time losing weight since!

I have gotten to the point where I never look down and can't stand looking at myself in a full length mirror because the tummy looking back at me is what I feel to be disgusting! I have the worse self esteem and confidence because of my weight but what I have grown to learn is that my beauty could never be measured by the measurement of a scale.

The beauty I have is unmeasurable as it is because God says so and for once in my life I am in a place where I believe Him. Certainly I see traits about my physicality I would love to change but I'm in no position to attract others to a person who has no relation to the person I was created to be.

Naturally as I allow myself to feel for others during his time of my life moreso a certain other, my anxiety kicks in for the future and how my weight will be perceived and if it will be a turn off but then I think to myself and say that whoever loves me at my worse will deserve to walk alongside me as I take a journey to become my best.

A person shouldn't judge me for not looking the part of their idea of perfection, my stomach has carried three babies at one time or another 1 miscarriage, 1 baby girl and 1 baby boy. My weight is composed of stress that has had no outlet, abuse that has scorned my body and has left scars, failures in my life, good food, and insecurities.

I'm not this weight for no reason and yes some can be taken into accountability for myself but others it's not so much. The weight of my past has been lifted through salvation and conquering the victim within me, the weight of my future is determined by me.

Personal Reflection of the Day 8/14

After having a good discussion with my mentor today I realized that there are some obstacles that I need to overcome in my life when it comes to thinking, speaking, and communicating as a whole. I struggle often with getting to the point as stated before in the blog post earlier, what I didn't realize is how bad of a habit it really is. Rather than getting upset or annoyed at others for getting annoyed with me, I would rather sit down and meditate on this problem. My goal is to figure out what do I most commonly beat around the bush with, why I don't attack something head on, and how can I go about progressing and growing up and away from it. 

I haven't really noticed this problem head on until now but I have always had "feedback" and people who have tried to help me overcome this problem without me even realizing it. The earliest I could remember was honestly in the relationship I had for 2 years starting at age 19. Often times he would get anger some at me because I would never just come out and say what I had to say, I was always being indirect or I would fade in and out of the point I was trying to make. Other times we would have chat sessions when he didn't stay over and I would find myself typing these long paragraphs with no break in between, It would be me explaining the entire picture when all I was trying to get across was one part of it.

What I never told Bryan was that there were sometimes that I didn't feel that his mind would comprehend what I was trying to say and often times I knew he didn't listen to me anyways. Sometimes the bigger picture was the point of what I was trying to make certainly but not always.

Eventually when the spark ignited in me to actively creatively write, I became swept up in metaphors and passionate ways to showcase my feelings, thoughts, and love within each word I wrote. I discovered that sometimes communicating this way was far better and more effective then just saying how I feel. Not long ago I was a severely broken young girl who knew nothing about life other than to live it whichever way it may come. There were often times when I were too scared to be clear or to be to the point because in my mind that showcased vulnerability and that is one thing to this day I struggle with being. In my mind being vulnerable is a sign of weakness, but it is one that I most certainly am eager to try to let go of as time goes on an with the right people. (Call me paranoid but that's a whole other problem)

When I started my journey through Philosophy I never realized that the critique and efforts that came through my mentors both Seth and Gad were never to insult or discourage me. It was all rather to open up a different world to writing so that I can explore and discover even more talents then I never knew I had. My writing to this day in the class has had to be worked on one paper at a time because I still have a tendency to work from the bigger picture on in and never truly make the point of what is being asked of me. Analyzing is a huge part of life, academics, and communication. If I want to pursue anything of that nature then yes I do believe that I need to work at it harder, unfortunately I have always seen the problem on paper but never did I start to realize the problem I have in my verbal communication as well.

Not long ago I had a certain peer say to another that "I talk too much" a few months later I was told that "I need to work on my clarification and getting to the point because the listener stopped listening along time ago" last night a friend from school got annoyed with me because I said something unintelligent and it got on their nerves, and today I was met with the fact that I need to work on this deficiency in my communication skills. Before I would get insulted and actually I do take offense to it and always have, I began to feel ashamed of myself and felt like I had to justify my reasoning to both individuals that scorned my confidence in communicating. I even remember turning around and asking my dear friend at work "do I talk to much because so and so says I do". 

So here's a little history so that perhaps I could be understood a little better. Growing up I never had an active social life, from age 12 on up due to having no social life I would go home and just be alone. I would either entertain myself on the computer, watch TV, or sleep because it would make time go by faster so I wouldn't have to live in those moments anymore. Not only did I have many friends but the main factor was that I was bullied out of my hometown high school, bullied in the high school I graduated from, and never really regained my reputation with either of them throughout my peers. The only people I would talk to were my dogs, myself, or whomever I could chat with long distance over the internet once social media took off. 

The only thing I did to express myself was to sing and then eventually I became obsessed with becoming someone else over social media, no I wouldn't take other people's pictures and use them, but I would spent a lot of days or nights making myself into someone who I wasn't by way of makeup, styling my hair, posing in ways that would invite the opposite sex into my company. It wasn't that I had an alter ego but I understood the reasons why which people have one. People over social media didn't know me nor did they know my real life situation, I could be whomever I desired to be and I guess that's where the fantasy and metaphorical writing came into play for me. 

It wasn't until three years ago that I began to have what I define as normal relationships and interactions with peers around me, it all started within the walls of my church (NewLife), Not only did I fully find myself and Jesus in the church, but I too learned and continue to learn what friendship is, how communication works, and what boundaries are. I've taken each wisdom and have applied it to school where I have learned more about what it takes and means to have healthy interactions with people and I have applied those skills and insights to every possible situation and environment I find myself in.

Most people consider me to be social but I argue that I am more of a relational person because that is the one void in my life that I didn't have for a very long time and the more it gets filled the better I feel about myself. This is not to say that I take advantage of any situation or person, what I mean is that I find more beauty in the connections I have with people more than I do with HOW many connections with people I have. To me the numbers are insignificant, but the quality is where the significance is at. 

So here are the answers to my own questions..

1.) I beat around the bush because sometimes that's all I know how to do and other times I beat around the bush because I am scared to come right out and speak the truth about how I feel towards something

2.) When I beat around the bush it usually consists of topics or situations where my feelings towards a certain situation or person become involved. I am absolutely terrified to share my feelings when I have them for someone else and I am also terrified to admit it to others. In that sense I feel like I am allowing myself the opportunity to get hurt even further and allow myself to rely or at least trust another person, specifically a male person. 

*I love the idea of having a relationship with that special person, having it start as two total strangers who grow into acquaintances, then friends, to dating, then committed relationship, and the list goes on. * Absolutely I love this idea and I am very mindful and prayerful of it each and everyday, especially when God lays on my heart or puts a person in my path who I believe could very much fit that bill, and that idea totally scares me!*

3.) From this point on what I can do to better myself in this habit is to just be out loud and up front with my feelings and emotions about any given situation or person and not care who thinks what about it. How can I sit here and blog about this advice and showcasing how beautiful it is when I am a hypocrite who doesn't execute this course of action herself? 

Well let me tell you something it is most definitely a habit that won't change over night, but I am thankful for those in my life who support me in the growth and have my back to help me successfully get through this life's obstacle. Also thank you to those who have stuck by my side even though I have these issues!! Forever I am truly grateful.

Stringing Words is a Beautiful Thing.

"If you can string words together into a sentence, and you're brave enough to let someone else read it, that is beautiful."

When I think of stringing words together I think of run on sentences, texting or messaging someone without a break but just getting out what's on your mind and hitting the send button even if you have to explain it thoroughly later. In our recent culture that continues to grow, the art of writing correctly has became adrift and almost nonexistent when it comes to how we communicate with our peers over social media. I believe that I am the queen of stringing words together and not always is it over text or a screen. I have the tendency to beat around the bush when I want to get to the point of something and there are some circumstances where I quite frankly don't know how to. For starters sometimes it's scary to simply just attack something and get to the point of it, others there are times when I must find a way to make my point based on the imagery, metaphorical, and circumstance that is occurring with my own mind or the reader of which was the recipient of the statement.

It is okay to have communication flaws just as long as one never ceases to communicate period. In relationships I believe that this form of communication should happen because it helps those closest to you learn to understand you better and it also reveals to them that you have the confidence to say what you mean and mean what you say without necessarily thinking it through all the time. Confidence is the most beautiful trait a person could ever have and confidence in communication is just as intriguing in a person. Whether it be stringing words together for the sake of poetry, literature, or music; stringing words together has a place in this world and yet it can be some of the most private words we keep to ourselves. To have the bravery to share it with others, even just one truly is a beautiful thing.

It is OKAY to be vulnerable with others as long as you stay true to you.

The Beauty of Asking Questions (Christian View)

From a Christian stand point, I firmly believe that God loves when we call upon Him to ask why, how and what questions. He invites us everyday to come to Him with whatever questions we have and certainly there are answers that await the response. The way in which most people communicate to God most is through prayer which most prayers are often questions of sorts.

There are plenty of verses of scripture that emphasize and encourage asking questions and most promise answers. From any standpoint there is no fear or shame in asking questions; questions are our greatest tool in life I firmly believe.

Here are some of my favorite scriptures I turn to when I am struggling with pride and not asking for help

Mark 11:24
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours"

Matthew 7:7-11 **All Time Favorite**
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Why Why Why (Beauty of Wonder)

4. Asking questions—especially “why?”—is always 
beautiful. Why? Because curiosity is beautiful.

History-

This is the particular topic I am going to be covering in my blog this post and I am honestly really excited and anxious to get to writing on this subject. I firmly and positively agree that there is nothing mroe beautiful than asking questions and being inquisitive. The reason I believe this particular theory is because my inquisitive mind is one of my personal traits in myself. It would amaze a person to learn how big and grand this world is and what lies within it, most of which are gone unseen due to ignorance, in exposure, or falsified myths. 

As a mom of two young children, I have had the pleasure of introducing these two individuals to the world around them. When I started going through the "Why" phase with my daughter, at first I was understanding, then I grew to becoming annoyed, eventually it trickled out to ashamed, and now there are times I have realized that sometimes the best response is "it's adult business". I understand that I totally contradict my first statement which is that it is beautiful, and in that I hold myself accountable and this is why. Set aside the fact that my daughter is SMART for her age and lets focus on the nitty gritty. Faith is inquisitive because she wants to broaden her knowledge and learn more about the world around her. She hears us speaks, knows what we are saying, but wants to know why something is being said or what is provoking it. She wants to know what is happening in the world around her, it's not that she feels entitled to it, but she wants to feel included in it. 

Isn't that what we all strive for when we have a questions and want to know why something is, was, or will be? it's not necessarily a bad thing to want to know why or how things work; In my own heart I feel bad that we are at the time of my daughter's life that we have to limit our adult only conversations to our own proximity but I am also the parent who is upfront and honest with her so that the questions don't become unresolved or negative wonders in my child's mind.

The wondering mind of a child is amazing but through my experience I realize that it is never gone. All throughout our lives, we seek to learn more and there is a certain thirst or hunger inside each and every one of us to learn more about various things. In Kindergarten and Elementary School, we are all excited to learn how to read, do basic math, geometry, and no one necessarily asks why they just do. The experience is fun and it always helps when you have a group of friends to enjoy them with. 

Somewhere in middle school is when the will to learn and wonder starts to become extinct because it is no longer cool, we become more independent, and have the mindset that we don't need to learn "this stuff because we will never use it". That attitude stays in most throughout high school as well. Of course there are the people who get straight A's and are awesome students, they work hard and achieve their highest potential. Not always are those students the ones to inquire as into why or how something works, but those are who often the questions of why and how get asked to which make them just as beautiful.

I had absolutely no clue what questioning, wondering, or the importance of asking why and how was until well into my college endeavor. When I started my philosophical journey, I absolutely fell in love with it because I have always had a mind that has always ran at 100mph thinking all day and night about anything and everything. I used to be told that "I think too much" or when I think it would be considered fearsome, what I learned was that my thinking just needed a place to go and to be free to wonder in. That's exactly what Philosophy gave me, a safety net to wonder, ask the questions of why, but yet never seek an absolute answer....

First People That Comes To Mind.

I had a feeling that this particular post was going to provoke a series of emotions, memories, and thoughts within my mind of whom I want to spotlight for this particular post. I will put the spotlight this time on two individuals in my life who I hold very near and dear to my heart. Professor Seth Tichenor and Ms. Gad Perez are the Philosophy mentors that have forever changed my life and will always have their footprints set in stone wherever life's journey shall take me from this point on.

Professor Seth Tichenor walked into my life a year ago past June, I had no clue what I was getting myself into with taking his course, all I knew was that I was excited to take a world religions class in the style and setting that I wanted to (which was in a neutral ground on a non private/religious affiliated institution). I struggled SEVERELY in that class and lost most of my self confidence in myself as a writer when I received my midterm back that term. I had just released my first published book the winter before, had a sizable journalism portfolio and promise in my writing. When I received my midterm back I was absolutely heartbroken and crushed at the slicing and dicing that came of my paper by Seth's pen. At first I was shocked, offended, and upset. The more that I would dwell on the outcome of my paper the more I felt like I failed myself, that I had no clue what I was doing, and that perhaps my writing was actually far from good. That paper destroyed my confidence and took all of my attention and distracted me the rest of that class.

It wasn't until Gad coached and mentored me through the rewrite, it wasn't that there was a total transformation but what she taught me to do was the most grandest gift anyone could ever give me; she taught me how to wonder, question, and ask why without seeking a definite answer. She was the person who knocked down that wall in my mind that was built of ignorance and inexperience in life- she introduced me to a whole new playground that I very much enjoyed exploring.

I took an incomplete in Seth's class that summer and I have to tell you it was the best decision I ever made for myself because that meant I had to take his course all over again, only it was through his online course. I tackled that midterm again and the growth that came of it shocked both Seth and Gad and that just became the start of my stronger will and desire to overcome the challenges within myself to write, perform, and be better as a wonderer, a questioner, and feel comfortable inquiring about anything and everything that I don't understand about the world.

These two people have paved the way that was always in my path, I just covered it too much to see it for myself. They have encouraged me day in and day out to step away from the self doubting and just start the doing in everything I struggle with. Reminding me that I am capable of whatever I set my mind to and that it is okay to ask for help, reach out to people who can give me direction, and fail time and time again.

This is just a SNIPPET of what these two individuals have done for me and I couldn't be more thankful for the impact and encouragement they have made in my life. Because of them I'm a better person, student, and future educator.

Together they make an awesome team working hard to bring in more success for their Philosofarian project which the mission of it is to allow anyone and everyone to learn philosophy should they choose to, it's an excellent gift they give to the world! They truly are amazingly beautiful people!

Why is Why Beautiful?

Asking questions is one of the most beautiful traits about women, especially those who have the confidence to simply just ask. Questions can only lead up to trouble if they are acted upon in such ways. Many times I have seen throughout the peers in my academic, professional, and Christian life whom all have had questions at one time or another but were too scared to ask in fear of sounding stupid, incompetent, or holding the rest of the group back from progressing (I too struggle with this). 

There is a confidence that is trapped within each of our bodies that prevents us from speaking up and being inquisitive, saying what is on our mind, and simply allowing our curiosity to explore and play for awhile. There is nothing healthier than to allow your mind to wander instead of relying on safety nets that are often told through stories, rules, and expectancy in our social life. God gave humans free will and thanks to Adam and Eve we are all wired to understand the difference between good and evil; that means that we are capable of knowing when our thought process is encouraging us to act upon it in an immoral or unjust way. 

There is no danger in asking questions, the danger is not. Asking questions is how we learn and a woman or man for that matter willing to learn and ask questions, especially when they are seeking to learn and understand, is one of the most beautiful traits of humanity. It is my hope and prayer that we can all have the confidence to simply just ask questions, wonder, and not be ashamed of not knowing something. 

Throughout my own journey, I have learned that there is far too much about the world I have no clue about but yet it is all accessible, all one must do is simply just ask or inquire and there are answers, theories, and thoughts that will help broaden their mind, intelligence, and understanding of the world. 

A person who views life in the full spectrum could never be anything less than beautiful.

Photo Credit: Nick French

My Prayer to You dEar FeRINd

To one of my dearest friends,
From the moment I met you and your husband three years ago approximately, I knew that you both were amazing people.You were always someone that I wanted to know and I always appreciated being friends with. You always sat in the back in our weekly gatherings, but never were you ignored or looked past. The energy you bring into the room when you walk is uncanny and calming and it's because of you that's always reminded me of what a good friend is. Whether it be 5 minute coffee dates, having the honor to witness you and your husband saying I Do, or simply just awaiting in prayer that God will work in your life and allow us to cross paths which He most certainly did! 

It absolutely breaks my heart to see you in so much pain and self doubt, to hear you focus so much of your attention on your brokenness when all others can see is a beautiful woman who has it so much together. If you break, it's okay to because you have good friends that are ready to glue you back together. This is a tough season for you and it certainly doesn't help that you are taunted everywhere you go and by everyone you see, Satan is good at manipulating our daily relationships and experiences, he's also an expert at shaping our attitudes. I want you to know that you are loved no matter what attitude you have, no matter how jerkish you feel, you are loved, forgiven, and your church family and the friends in your life are always ready to deliver you grace. 

We are rooting you on girlfriend and I am praying everyday for you to at least find peace within yourself so that you can have patience. I won't talk down to you and say that life won't be easy or that God will deliver in His time because He knows that even I don't like that advice, what I will tell you is that you always have people to come to talk to or pray with you whenever you need them and when you don't think you do that's okay too, you will still be loved :)

You are a beautiful, strong, and amazing woman. You captivate the room when you walk in, I'm proud to be your friend and so happy you have became a part of NewLife.

Dear Friend, You are truly beautiful never let anyone or anything take your sparkle away :)

Dare to be Beautiful

In the article that inspired this blog, the third thing that identifies beautiful says that beauty is a daring action, one that is built on your authentic intention instead of being attached to the outcome. I absolutely  love this statement because as women we are always seeking beauty as an end or a different outcome from our current reality. This particular statement definitely requires some humility on my part as well as accountability. I am always struggling to reach beauty as a desired outcome, never do I take the time to look at myself right here and right now and see myself as beautiful. It's unfortunate because beauty for women has different dimensions that allows us to make excuses for the flaws we are ashamed of in ourselves.

Together as women, we must work together to always encourage each other and to find the beauty within ourselves and within our loved ones that are the traits most hide from or don't want people to notice. If we can love each other for our faults verses our perfections, think about how much more graceful and like Jesus we would all be. Think about the type of humanity that would derive from this change of life and attitude. There are way too many women in my life which whom I love dearly that thinks of themselves as horrible, not pretty enough, at fault for their own flaws, insignificant, and broken by self affliction. It is absolutely heartbroken to see these women think these ways of themselves when others looking in see such as myself looking in and see perfection. However, if I were to be honest I would have to say that I too do this.

Working through the Captivating book I can't tell you how much attitude or enlightenment has awaken in me as a woman, the book has given me a lot to think about, pray about, and give me some encouragement to change my own attitude and way of thinking. What I have learned is this beauty is something that we all seek but shame is what keeps us from seeing the light. I am so insecure about my weight, the masculine features I have such as my eyebrows, thicker bone structure, and all of the other traits that I feel comes from the men in my family as well as from the side of my father's genes. I also struggle a lot with not liking my hair enough which is something I will never understand, I always want it longer, blonder, and when I can't afford the maintenance I settle for my "natural hues" just to eventually want a change again. Ridiculous I know, but I realize that we all struggle with these physical insecurities, the truth is that we can change everything about us physically but the one thing that will always get overseen is the internal changes that need to made, specifically the attitude towards ourselves and how we define beautiful.

Every Sunday I sit in my church looking around the room in absolute awe of the beautiful women that surrounds me and sometimes I drift off into thoughts of what I would desire to have of theirs physically- whether it be their hair, laugh, voice, style/fashion sense, accessories/shoes, make up trend, or whatever else I find myself doubtful or feeling inadequate with in myself. It's actually rather common that I find myself drifting off into this thought process of self doubt and not feeling good enough or pretty enough.

Through the Captivating book, one thing that was revealed to me in my journey was that it is those very steep and voided holes within my self esteem that needs to be changed, you know the holes where our shame hides. During the Shame series at NewLife, I worked on the struggles of feeling ashamed of my sexual past which is not the greatest, I was so busy focusing on it that I didn't take anytime to work on the shame that still lingers within me about my weight and not feeling good enough. The beauty of this is that it has awakened my logic and has reinstated my focus into what needs to be changed and worked on in my life.

My prayer for the women in my life is that they too can take the challenge to look within themselves and find the identifiers of their insecurities and pray them away, give them to God, and allow themselves to heal fully and freely within their hearts so they can have a better self esteem. My prayer for the men in my life is to encourage the women in their life to see themselves as beautiful for WHO THEY ARE and not what they do or look like. It is my prayer for humanity to get on the same page of this and work together for the common good and the goal to have a better self esteem and to see the world through Heaven's Eye View.

Grace is Beautiful

Grace is a beautiful thing! Unfortunately I have taken some time away from the blogging blurbs but I am finally getting back to it. Nothing reveals beautiful more than experience and life that one lives. More blogs are upon the horizon :)