Did my Feelings Show?

I have been staring at the topic of this blog post nearly all day long. I couldn't put my pen to the paper nor could I put my fingers on the keyboard to start typing. It's because I wanted to avoid the topic of feelings altogether.

I was struggling with becoming anxious and consumed by the feelings of heartbreak, shame, and impatience that I have been experience lately. No they hasn't become the center of my being, but by the grace of God I have not gotten weak enough to give in to Satan's voice and opinions in relation to these feelings.

I feel at times like I am a victim of my feelings both good and bad. I feel like I can control them for so long and when I can't it's like throwing a grenade at the relationship or friendship causing it to blow to pieces.

Recently, it was no different. I allowed myself to feel, get excited, and express it. In result the grenade of hope exploded and separated the other person and myself tremendously (and it was my perception that we were very close) and now it feels like a football field has separated the friendship and now it had started over and yet not left the goal posts!

I tell you, feelings suck!! And I hate expressing them!!

But one thing I have learned is that because I embraced them for my own self both good and bad, the fact I took the risk anyways does in fact show the strength and courage I have inside of me. It also shows the worth I see in others and says hey!!! You are THIS big in someone's world. 

To me this courage is beautiful, one i would never imagine I would discover or acquire over my life. I used to be so quiet and subdued. If I felt something I would hold it inside until it ate me from the inside out but now that I embrace them head on, the growth I witness in myself becomes the star of the show and I thank God everyday that I've gotten to this point!

It was silly for me to feel embarrassed and scared to write these posts, there's no beauty in embarrassment because you aren't showcasing what you're trying to hide which most likely is stunning.

Embracing Your Feelings is Beauiful

Think back to the last time you allowed yourself to let your walls come tumbling down, your guards become unlocked, and you allowed your feelings actually feel. 

What was it, experiencing a love? A heartbreak? A new job? New friendship? First time motherhood? A church? A new you? 

Trust me- I know how exciting and dangerous this entire experience can be. I like anyone else has gone through the motions of allowing myself to feel towards certain situations. More than anything I have experienced pain in return but others not so much.

The first time I let myself feel "love" for a man, I learned rather quickly that it wasn't love because it got abusive rather fast. The first time I let myself enjoy a new job I got fired within the next two weeks of getting comfortable. 

New friendships, its terrifying to me- most move away, can't forgive me when I make mistakes, or get tired of me needing advice. New baby- they cry all the time, won't let me sleep, won't attach to me! New church- they judge me, see right through me, there's cliques, I could never be anything more than a failure.

New self, that is where you letting your guard down and feelings show is when the risk becomes beautiful!!

You walk into a church and experience genuine love and acceptance. The people give you a sense of purpose help you find your own self worth and you fun yourself there for the next three years hoping you will be there for the rest of your life.

That new life in Christ and the support around you gives you confidence to move forward and have a fresh start with each new child that you bring into the world. You allow yourself to feel patient, compassionate, and more honor for being a mother.

Friendships become more of a desire and come naturally in your life. They allow you to feel less alone, well liked, and allow you to feel the best parts of life that it has to offer.

You start a new job, it tries to tear you down. You can feel the negative but you choose to feel the positive. The job may not work out but you know it's okay because it didn't make you it's victim.

and heartbreak? Well that too becomes different. When you let yourself feel and truly feel yes the pain of losing someone you liked or loved will sting, but the feelings for that person outweigh that heartbreak giving a person hope for the future making it less than an end of the world situation.

And allowing yourself to feel attraction, emotions, and perhaps love towards another person is amazingly different. It's patient, kind, has speed bumps, is forgiven, grace and merciful, and is worth the wait......

Embracing feelings is absolutely beautiful but can turn a world into an ugly one. Feelings manifest into attitude which is expressed through the world and people around you. In order to have the courage to embrace ones feelings one must acknowledge and accept all outcomes involved possibly. 

To know what could happen and do it anyways... Well there is nothing more beautiful then that.

Nobody wants to feel something bad which leads to many dangerous roads. But when we as people do feel, we have the hope in the vision that we see to be possibly magnificent and wonderful. We see the potential in whatever it is to shape our lives for the better and allow us to become the impacting individuals we dream to become.

Feelings are risky business and they could lead to heartache but you never know if you don't try!

Flaws, Fakes, Failures (me in a nutshell)

I hate my hair- I hate how thick and curly it is and I am admittedly jealous that kids have blonde hair, something I spent years and moms money to have all throughout my teenage years. My hair doesn't grow past my shoulders, instead it becomes an Afro, and I always want extensions!!!

My eyebrows suck because they are too thick and too dark to be anything but a brunette.

My face is dry but doesn't respond to moisturizers, so I can only use facial scrubs to make my skin "soft".

My nails are too short, I'm not tattooed enough to my liking, and my feet are retched in the winter time!

My stomach is a complete blob since having my kids and doesn't seem to want to shrink, I hate it and want it gone!!!!

These are all a list of everything that I am never happy with and always want to change in myself. I look in the mirror and I feel ugly, ashamed, and less than because of it. I only own mirrors that show my face because I'm too embarrassed to own a full length.

I go to church and I resent myself because I'm too busy being jealous of Michelle's flawless glamourhood each week, Randi's stunning beauty as I drop my kids off wishing I could have that hair, those eyes, and that perfect beauty. I'm too busy looking at Erin wishing I had her hair and that perfect style she has, Becky's sleek hair, awesome fashion sense, and her ability to light the room when she walks in. I get jealous of Christa's county girl of perfection and Cassie's beaming beauty. I'm jealous of Heather's simplicity and no need totey because she's simply just gorgeous. I'm jealous of Holly's fierceness and edgy looks!

On Sundays I dress myself up to cover up my flaws just to enter the doors just to sink within my low self esteem because I've just seen Cindy Jayne or Lena looking flawless, fashionable, or close to a princess.

My life is filled with beautiful women whom I admire, respect, and envy. I like anyone else get caught up in the satanic myths that I'm not good enough, too fat, not worthy, and undeserving of higher self confidence.

This slippery slope has held me prisoner since age six when I started getting teased at school. I got teased for having thick hair, wearing glasses, being curvy, and not being anything close to pretty. These thoughts imbedded into my mind and eventually i considered them to be true and obviously i still do!!!

Starting this blog I had a checklist of everything I wanted to change about myself in order for OTHERS to like me because that's what I believed to be the reason as well as solution.

It's funny because there's a lot of factors I can see and take accountability in this post 1.) I am too critical of myself 2.) I believed others 3.) in a sea full of love in my life I still fail to see myself accepted 4.) the way I view myself is still dependent on other people.

I know this attitude is wrong and I wish I didn't think this way but this particular low self esteem and poor attitude towards myself has been a part of my identity and nature for nearly all of my life and it's a pretty hard habit to break let me tell you!!!

What I realize now is this- my looks do not define my worth or how beautiful I am. I HAVE PHYSICAL FLAWS, that is normal and is what is expected!!! I will always be embarrassed of something because I am a woman and that's what we do.

I would give Anything to consider myself pretty!!! But unfortunately I'm not there YET. Instead I have been noticing what does make me beautiful!! I have a great heart, I have a lot to give, I sacrifice for those I love, I stay strong through the grace of God, I never give in to failures, and I always find a way to keep going. I choose to be realistic yet not negative, I'm educated, a philosopher, but also like to live life systematically. I'm a mother, a daughter, a niece, a friend, and a Christian. I trust in God with all of my heart and I live my life imperfectly but yet have defeated sin time and time again.

Before recently I couldn't see this in myself and now I'm finally at a point in my life where I can. It's a prayer I pray for each person in my life because I know how horrible low self esteem can be! Find the beauty WITHIN YOURSELF and I promise you that you will find peace.

What is Beauty (Renewed)

After working on this blog series for months, I have come to realize that beauty and what it means to be beautiful is the most diverse thing in the world. 

I consider beauty and philosophy to be in relation to one another; there is no definite, a lot of theory / speculation, and cannot be viewed from one single point of understanding.

When I think what is beautiful, I like most people think about who I believe to be beautiful. Although I know some very beautiful women, my perception has widened since starting his blog series because I have grown to acknowledge that looks does not make a person beautiful, rather it's the acts of courage, strength in themselves, and the impact a person has on others lives.

Beauty is not something that pertains to just women. Over the course of my life, More specifically over the course of the last few years- I have been blessed to know and come across some very beautiful men.

Where beauty can be found is within the X-ray visions of a person's heart, mind, and journey through the world. Beauty is rare because it takes someone special to discover it in others. Society has became so quick to label people as beautiful without even looking at what made that person beautiful on the inside.

I have grown to learn that beauty is beautiful in itself. The question is how do you perceive beautiful and how can you swim deeper and come away from the shallow ideas of what it means to be beautiful.

I only have eyes for you....

Eyes are probably the first physical feature that I myself notice in others. Needless to say, eyes are in fact quite beautiful. As simple as an eye may seem, I put forward the idea that there is in fact so much more I what an eye is and what exactly makes them exquisite.

Eyes are helpful to live life. However Rey aren't a necessity.

I am a person who had needed to wear glasses since age six and they have been both a blessing and a curse. I have been teased and felt ugly. On the other side of my attitude I feel blessed by having glasses- they allow me to see and they have become a part of my identity.

Age 17 and 22 I was faced with two separate retinal detachments- both eyes. Both detachments called for major surgery which consisted of having a rubber band placed around each eye and also filled with a gas bubble that acted as a cast repairing the retina so I could see life.

After both surgeries I would have no choice but to rely on one eye to work for both while the other healed behind a patch. It was amazing to see life's brutal honesty during those months.

A person could see the hearts and genuine care people had for others and the compassion vision was extreme, all trough one eye.

It was during those times in my life that I realized that eyes are a gift and not a necessity.

Beyond eyes being a gift providing sight, the beauty of what eyes are runs much deeper. I firmly believe that eyes are not the windows of the soul. Rather they are the most honest voices we have within each of our bodies. A persons eyes tell a story, exposes feelings, seeks help, and illuminates pains and pleasures a person experiences.

Eyes reveal the pains of the past and the hopes of a persons future. They communicate when they are in love and they showcase when they feel hate. They signal to others if someone is trustworthy or shall be avoided. Eyes are a compass, a comfort, and a courage beyond what the cowardly lion could ever seek for.

Make up enhances eyes to be more 3D and appealing to the attraction of others. However, the inner softness of eyes is what's splendid. Eyes are beautiful because they have a lot to say and a eye for an eye is what it takes to stop look and listen in order to discover the beauty that lies within others.

Shaylyn Says: it's time for Erin to be put in the spotlight

With this beauty blog series I naturally can't help but think about people in my life who I believe fits the bills perfectly of what it means to be beautiful. These are people who I believe don't need an article to tell them, they just ought to know. But for the slight chance they don't, this gives me an opportunity to remind them.

About 3 years ago I had taken part of a local young adult bible study through one of the community churches apart from my own church family. I enjoyed that extra fulfillment of The Lord and I enjoyed meeting new people.

What terrified me each week was to walk in every Monday with a bigger tummy due to being pregnant with my son. Most were friendly and welcomed with a hello but there were a certain few who I developed a connection with or at the very least I really wanted to.

I remember always being impressed by this young lady who had a beautiful head of hair. She was laid back, always friendly, and i always appreciated her sense of style and the ability to recognize it in others.

when I had my son I stopped going for the most part because of lack of child care and eventually I felt less welcome there to be honest because I knew we all were aware that I wasn't a part of their church family, I was simply just a visitor each week.

Then one day out of the blue I get an invitation to a wedding for this lovely young lady and her fiancé.. And I was thrilled, because this was a young lady whom I saw promise, grace, and strength in. I was absolutely honored to be present as she married her best friend.

Erin Kelley is by far one of the most beautiful human beings that I have ever met. The way she carries herself is one that I envy and wish I could have. She is trustworthy, brings out the best in people, and is a great encouragement for all.

Everything that this article speaks of that I have blogged about at this point has seemed to speak of Erin whole heartedly and here is why....

 

Erin was afraid of joining a church but she did it anyway. This choice was for various reasons but overall, her courage was such a beautiful sight to see. To witness anyone face a fear and run to the very thing that scares you, indeed is a very beautiful thing about a person.

Erin was also afraid of saying what she feels in a blog but yet she did it anyways. She had the courage to fret about what others think but choose to ignore it and follow it as one of the callings that God has called her to. She believed in herself as continues to publish brilliant blogs that feature infinite wisdom and excellent reminders of how we should live our lives not only as Christians, but what she wires applies to all of humanity as well.

Erin has been to hell and back, her testimony is hers to share but let me assure you that it is one you couldn't imagine. Her journey was filled with a measure of pain and darkness that seemed impossible to let light into and eventually the light pierced it's way into her heart at a time where she felt open to trusting it and the journey she has had since is way bright as can be, except the fades of dark clouds that pass through her confidence each day.

Because she has been to hell and back, Erin is a beautiful warrior who had earned  her place in this world. Her strength is an amazing testimony all on its own and it grows within each day. The strength of her heart is the center of her inner beauty! It's truly one of the many features that makes her beautiful.

Erin although May question herself a lot, one thing that someone could say about her is that her intentions are always of good nature. One thing I have noticed is that she never really dwells on what could be, for the most part I have witness ed her focusing on what is and making lemonade out if the lemons she had at the very moment of  brew. To me that is very impressive and a quality of life I wish I had. (My anxiety and depression would never allow it!)

Going back to her blog, Erin strings words together intelligently, courageously, and bluntly. She tells it like it is and she means what she says. Erin is honest and to the point but she also has a way of making the truth sound sweet and inviting. The wisdom she provides is great advice and is just one beautiful way that she unleashes her creativity.

Although Pinterest and creating is a hobby of hers that she has recently blogged about feeling guilty over, it is merely an expression of who she is. Erin is talented, has vision, and is incredibly patient. She understands that all thing have a process but the details of our own individual steps is completely into us and that is beautiful!

I will never forget the two greatest bits of advice she has ever given me. The first was a long while ago, she told me that serving God's kingdom is not about doing what He sees fit for my life and Him telling me what to do with it. She said it's up to me to choose what I want to do but for it to honor God I need to do it with honor and in service to Him. 

That advice released a world of turmoil I had going on internally and it was much of an answered prayer.

The second bit of advice she gave she said "don't say you understand this (details private) because it will seem genuine. This spun my world around and has really shaped my attitude and has taugt me to choose my words more carefully because that bit of advice is absolutely right, there are things we for understand and we shouldn't use the figure of speech loosely especially when it comes to very heavy experiences.

Erin is a great friend, has a great husband, and her heart is amazingly beautiful! She's the picture perfect example of what beautiful is and getting to know her you will understand why!

Thank you Erin for always being you!

Creativity is beautiful

If there is one thing that allows people to express their unique God given talents it is creativity, and indeed creativity is beautiful!

There is something about the way that creativity makes a person as well as the fascinating ways it shapes their lives. Creativity allows people to see their own worth, feel significant, as well as embrace the independent person it makes them- creativity is what separates us as persons.

Creativity is beautiful because it's the inner strength and courage we have in ourselves. To put our creativity into motion is where the beauty oozes out of. It takes some pretty strong courage to share our creativity with others and confidence in anyone is the sexiest desire they will ever have.

Creativity doesn't rely on materialism or society to set boundaries and restrictions. Creativity is it's own director and it's a force that for the most part always leads us to good things and sometimes better futures.

Creativity calms circumstances and it allows circumstances to come alive as well.

Creativity is way more than painting a picture, strumming a guitar, or knitting a blanket. Creativity is found within each of us whether we are creative with our fashion, our families, crafts, homes, work, imagination, leadership, or relationships with others. Creativity is the main link between us and genuine self fulfillment.

Creativity should be embraced as beauty, wouldn't this society be different if we looked to each other's creativity as the more attractive features in others rather than their physical features? It's an interesting thought isn't it?

As a Christian, I stand firm in the belief that God created each of us in His image. This would naturally mean that we would all have a creative gene due to the fact that God is the ULTIMATE creator!!! Absolutely would He design us to be as creative as Him.

Most people respond with "I'm not creative, I argue that isn't true. The truth is that we are all creative and know it. What prevents people from believing in their own abilities is the fear and lack of courage one has to share their gifts with others.

This is why society has become such a horrible thing- it tells us to fear, be ashamed, and feel unworthy and inconfident in ourselves. Society is just one of many snake heads that Satan uses to destroy humanity, Gods favorite creation. It's not of our own fault to feel incapable, as a matter of fact it's our nature.

From the beginning of time when Eve took bite of the forbidden fruit and disobeyed Gods commands, He punished her and Adam, one way He did it was expose them of their nudity.

Their nudity wasn't just their private body parts, the term nudity in this case meant it showcased their guilts, flaws, and their internal reflections of themselves were exposed for all the world to see who crossed their paths.

A great lesson for the rest of ours but still it reminds us of our nature as people to be talked into or steered to do the wrong things in life or at the very least hide ourselves from the world and clothe our talents and creative side for the sake of who knows.

Creativity is beautiful and I applaud anyone who is brave enough to express it!